Brian: Get some...sour cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerkey, some peanut butter. Get some Hagen-Dagz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and we'll make some s'mores man. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, we need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, water, a whole lotta water and.......Funyuns.

Kenny: Ya hear that? I'm somebody's bitch!

Nasty Nate: So the next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail...FRUIT!

Sir-Smokes-Alot: I want to talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden!

Sir-Smokes-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, bitch!

Brian: I'll pretend I'm jamaican man! Yeah!
Thurgood: You have smoked yourself retarded!

Brian: Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.
Woman: Uh-uh. He autographed it himself...
Brian: Okay, I'll give you four.

Brian: You smoke?
Mary Jane: No my grandmother died from lung cancer.
Brian: That's all the more reason to toke up man! It'll ease the pain!

Kenny: [to police horse] Hey girl, you hungry?
Overweight woman: [walking by] Fuck you, nigger!

Samson: Delilah, get me "eight fourteen".
Delilah: [to another woman] Eight fourteen.
Thurgood: [whispers to Scarface and Brian] What the fucks "eight fourteen"?
[she pulls out a crossbow]
Thurgood: AH! I'm sorry y'all, I don't want to be the first nigger to die from a crossbow.

Samson: I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend here and I'm gonna kill him.
Scarface: I'm Cuban, b!
Samson: Yes, Cuban b!

Scientist: Janitor? Uh, janitor?
[taps Thurgood, who gets frightened]
Thurgood: Ah! Oh..sorry 'bout that. What is it, scientist?
Scientist: I know this isn't your responsibility but, uh, could you be a dear and run this down to the supply department for me? It's on the second floor. [hands Thurgood a note]
Thurgood: Just run this down?
Scientist: Yes, but make sure you bring the order right back to me. I need it A.S.A.P.
Thurgood: Gotcha. Hey, I know this isn't your responsibility but just wipe the rest of this shit up [hands him a mop] I'll be right back.

Thurgood: I'm here today because I'm addicted..to marijuana.
Rehab patient: You in here 'cuz of marijuana?! Man, this is some BULLSHIT!
Bob Saget/Cocaine addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke.
Rehab patient: I seen him do it!
Bob Saget/Cocaine addict: Now that's an addiction, man. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?
Thurgood: No, I can't say I have.
Bob Saget/Cocaine addict: I didn't think so.

Thurgood: Yea. Um, So how long's [your dad] been in [jail]?
Mary Jane: Four years next month.
Thurgood: Four years. And what exactly was he selling?
Mary Jane: Marijuana.
Thurgood: FOUR YEARS JUST FOR WEED?! DAMN!
Mary Jane: Just? No, no, no, no. Not just. Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug. I mean, everybody knows that it leads to other stuff.
Thurgood: Yeah, mostly junk food.

[Brian, Scarface, and Thurgood are sneaking into the refer lab]
Scarface: Man, you didn't say nothing 'bout no door, yo!
Thurgood: Just chill out, man. I smoked weed here all the time. This door's never locked.
[Scarface opens the door, the alarm goes off]
Thurgood: I didn't say the alarm would be on, though.