Death to Smoochy

Death to Smoochy quotes

33 total quotes (ID: 829)

Rainbow Randolph
Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy

Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?
Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a ****ing badge of honor.
Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.
Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.
Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?
Randolph: Who the **** said that?! That's bullshit. I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.

Cop: Are you okay?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda ****ed up in general, so it's hard to gauge.

Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast-off time.

Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
Wife: Yes, very much.
Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my ****ing business.

[As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]
Randolph: Let go of me you ****ING JUNKIE
[As Buggy loses his grip]
Buggy: I never saw Venice

[Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]
Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!
Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Yes!
Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.

[after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!

Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
Randolph: And limber.

[after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, that's it, you bloodsucking freaks! I'm suing your Riverdance act! Have you all shipped back home, eh?!

Tommy Kotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced.

Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!

[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a ****! It's not a rocket, you sick ****! It's a ****! Look. It's a **** and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.