Death to Smoochy quotes

View Quote Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?
Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a ****ing badge of honor.
Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.
Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.
Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?
Randolph: Who the **** said that?! That's bullshit. I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.

View Quote Cop: Are you okay?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda ****ed up in general, so it's hard to gauge.

View Quote Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast-off time.

View Quote You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari, mother****er! SAH-FAR-I! [makes a rhino noise]

View Quote [As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]
Randolph: Let go of me you ****ING JUNKIE
[As Buggy loses his grip]
Buggy: I never saw Venice

View Quote [after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!

View Quote Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

View Quote Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
Wife: Yes, very much.
Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my ****ing business.

View Quote [Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a ****! It's not a rocket, you sick ****! It's a ****! Look. It's a **** and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.

View Quote Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.

View Quote [after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, that's it, you bloodsucking freaks! I'm suing your Riverdance act! Have you all shipped back home, eh?!

View Quote [Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]
Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!
Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Yes!
Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

View Quote Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!

View Quote [Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
Randolph: And limber.

View Quote Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.