Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact. How does the name "Mayflower" get up to the Quaker City?

Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.

Buck Laughlin: Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet.
Trevor Beckwith: I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right.
Buck Laughlin: He's got two left feet.

Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!

Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?

That looks like a fast dog.

And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.

I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.

I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun.

I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"

Thanks a lot, you stupid hotel manager!

[Yelling at the hotel maid] I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!

[after the hotel manager suggests going to the pet store to get a new toy for Beatrice] What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?

No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume.

This? This is a fish. This is a fish! You know what? Just shut up.