[in a stand off] A bullet in the head will really mess up your extensions!

Alexei: The Russian Grim Reaper is here.

Marcus Burnett: Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
Mike Lowrey: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job?
Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!

[Johnny has just shot his cousin Roberto - upon hearing the shot, Mama rushes out to the balcony overlooking the courtyard]
Donna Maria Tapia: What happened to Roberto?
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: He just killed himself, Mama.
Donna Maria Tapia: Ai!
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Yes, very sad.
Donna Maria Tapia: You write his mother a nice letter.
[Johnny holds up his hands, one of which is still holding the gun he shot Roberto with]
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'll do it.

[to his sister, a Miami DEA agent] That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous. [pauses] I'm telling Mom.

[Repeated Line] Woosah...

I think we just broke the record for the number of gun fights in one week.

[to Mike] You're like a pitbull with that pink thing hanging out.

[staring into the captain's fishbowl after ingesting X] This is a nice fish. Big fuckin' eyes, but a nice fuckin' fish.

Damn, it's the niggras!

Mike, I can't even get an erection. I tried taking Viagra. Popped one, popped two. I've been eating them like Skittles.

Mike, I just had an erection. Call up the wife tell her I am on The Way!

Now that's how you supposed to shoot, from now on that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some disfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though.

Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well not this one, cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should get one just like it.

It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic.