Other quotes

Capt. Howard: I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up, 'Good morning, Marcus. Good morning, Mike. How you doin'? Ai'ight. So how we going to **** up the captain's life today? Gee, I don't know. I don't know. Ooh, look. Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?'

Floyd Poteet: [Repeated Line] I've got my rights.

Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth. I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.

Alexei: The Russian Grim Reaper is here.

Capt. Howard: 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?

DEA Snell: We don't know you, but you look like you're about to do something stupid. I'm in.

Marcus Burnett: You a virgin?
Reggie: Yes, sir.
Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no ****ing tonight.
Mike Lowery: You ever made love to a man?
Reggie: No.
Mike Lowery: You want to?

Mike Lowery: [singing] Bad boys, bad boys what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when we come for you?
[Marcus starts ad-libbing the first verse]
Mike Lowery: Dude, you gotta learn the words.
Marcus Burnett: We usually only do the chorus.

Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats.
Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called umm...
Marcus Burnett: Big mother****ers.

Mike Lowery: [pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] "Have you ingested X? Look at your pupils.
Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils?
[tries to cross his eyes]

Marcus Burnett: You see that?
Mike Lowery: They throwin' cars. How'd I not see that.
Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Mike Lowery: Hey, you'd know what would be ****in' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the **** up and let me drive, let's try that.

Mike Lowery: Crash the ambulance into the mortuary now.
Detective Mateo Reyes: [over radio] No way. I'm not getting suspended again.
Mike Lowery: I'm gonna whoop your asses if you don't crash that ambulance into the mortuary now.

Mike Lowery: Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reimbursement...
Capt. Howard: The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars.

Marcus Burnett: [During a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk.
Mike Lowery: You want to talk? All right, go ahead, go ahead.
Marcus Burnett: We're not immigration!
Mike Lowery: [More gunfire] They can't hear you 'coz they still shootin' at you.

Marcus Burnett: Look, Mike. Calm down!
Mike Lowery: Calm down? I'm calm. I'm calm. Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving.

Marcus Burnett: Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
Mike Lowrey: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job?
Marcus Burnett: They **** just like us!

Megan Burnett: I bet you meet a lot of cute guys. Just like "Sex and the City".
Marcus Burnett: Theresa, cancel the damn cable!

[Mike's way of saying I'm sorry]
Mike Lowery: It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg.
Marcus Burnett: Thoughtful.

Mike Lowery: [pretending to be drunk] Nigga, who is it at the door?
Marcus Burnett: It's Reggie!
Mike Lowery: Who the **** is Reggie?
Marcus Burnett: Came to take Megan out.
Mike Lowery: [to Reggie] What you want, nigga?
Reggie: I'm here... to take his daughter out.
Mike Lowery: Mother****er, I heard the boy say your name Reggie? You wanna be takin' Megan out?
Reggie: Yes, sire?
Mike Lowery: How old is you?
Reggie: Fifteen.
Mike Lowery: Shit, nigga. You at least thirty.

Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot.
Syd: What did you say?
Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit.

Marcus Burnett: Police! Pull over! Stop the car!
Mike Lowery: Not your badge, man! He has a gun, shoot him!

Mike Lowery: Rodney, I hear there's a boat on fire off the coast of Cuba.
Rodney: Don't you think we oughta break international waters to help them out?
Mike Lowery: That's my DAWG.

[after Mike lifted the sheet covering the dead bimbo in the morgue]
Marcus Burnett: Mike, have some dignity!
Mike Lowery: What? I ain't doin' nothin'. What am I gonna do with these big-ass fake dead titties?
Marcus Burnett: But you're LOOKIN' at them.
Mike Lowery: There is something seriously wrong with your brain man
Marcus Burnett: Just cover up 'em titties.

[Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit]
Marcus Burnett: Are you a cop or a model?
Mike Lowery: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all.
Marcus Burnett: For who?
Mike Lowery: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Marcus Burnett: Hate the tailor.

Mike Lowery: We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man.
Marcus Burnett: That's what they call an ecstasy dealer on the streets.
Capt. Howard: Marcus, I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.

[Marcus interrogates a dead gang member]
Marcus Burnett: Hey look, man, can you tell me who was driving the black Suburban? Huh? Oh he don't know nothin'. His brains is under the end table.
[turns around to see another dead gang member]
Marcus Burnett: He can't tell us shit, Mike. He's all ****ed up.
Mike Lowery: What's your point?
Marcus Burnett: My point is that dead suspects can't say shit.

Marcus Burnett: My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night.
Mike Lowery: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get.
Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.

Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE?
Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking?
Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
''Marcus Burnett''; You gotta call yo self the devil in his house?...shit

Marcus Burnett: [about Mike] Mother****er shot me in the ass, man.
Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass?
Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you.
Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I'm not saying I didn't shoot you. I did a lot of shooting. But I ain't saying I shot you in the ass...
[looks]
Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass!
Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.

Mike Lowery: Vargas, we're not gonna make it to the tunnel! Go to Plan B! We're going to Plan B!
Marcus Burnett: What Plan B?
Mike Lowery: [pause] Man, you don't pay attention to SHIT, do you?
Syd: [as they start arguing in the middle of the gunfight] Are you ****ing shitting me? LET'S GO!
Detective Mateo Reyes: [in the escape tunnel] Plan B? What the hell is Plan B?

Marcus Burnett: [driving with Mike down a hill, through cocaine-processing shacks, in a stolen Humvee] Is this still plan B?
Mike Lowery: Naw, this is definitely plan C!

[while driving across Tapia's estate in a stolen Humvee, being shot at by the Cuban Army]
Mike Lowery: Man, Plan B does not have that big-ass gun in it!
Marcus Burnett: You call this Plan B? What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit!
Mike Lowery: Look, do you want to drive?
Marcus Burnett: Yeah, pull over by those mother****ers with the MACHINE GUN!

[Mike accidentally shot Marcus in the ass]
Detective Mateo Reyes: Yo Mike, why don't you just give it a little kiss? You know, make it feel better?
Detective Marco Vargas: Hey, just pretend we're not even here.
Marcus Burnett: Say, isn't Ricky Martin having a concert? Get the **** on!
Detective Mateo Reyes: You always gotta go racial, man.
Detective Marco Vargas: It's sad, man.

Mike Lowery: Hey, isn't it low tide?
Marcus Burnett: Yes, I think it is.
Mike Lowery: Don't you have some relatives that you need to go pick up?
Detective Mateo Reyes: You went too far on that one.

[Johnny has just shot his cousin Roberto - upon hearing the shot, Mama rushes out to the balcony overlooking the courtyard]
Donna Maria Tapia: What happened to Roberto?
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: He just killed himself, Mama.
Donna Maria Tapia: Ai!
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Yes, very sad.
Donna Maria Tapia: You write his mother a nice letter.
[Johnny holds up his hands, one of which is still holding the gun he shot Roberto with]
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'll do it.

Casper: Your partner's a ****y nigger!
Marcus Burnett: Oh damn, now was that necessary, sir? Can't he just be a cop? He got to be a nigga too?

Capt. Howard: You guys are like a couple of blood sucking ticks, draining the life's blood out of this department... Woosaa!
Marcus Burnett: Damn the woosaa captain, did you just call me a tick?
Capt. Howard: [motioning to Mike] I was referring to him.


Marcus Burnett: You know, unlike you my daddy didn't leave me no trust fund. I got real world shit to deal with, Mike. I'm not in it for the thrills.
Mike Lowery: Same old shit, different day. All right, damn, yes i shot you, all right. But you'be seeing nothing at all if i hadn't made my move. So i don't why you're acting so angry about it.
Marcus Burnett: You're misinformed, i'm not angry.
Mike Lowery: Oh, you're very angry.
Marcus Burnett: No, i'm not angry.
[Cutaway to Marcus' therapy session]
Therapist You are angry. It's okay.
Marcus Burnett: I'm not angry. Except when you keep repeating "You're angry". Now that shit's ****ing annoying. Like a ****ing gnat at a barberque. Just bugging the **** outta me.
Therapist Good. I want you to say: "I'm angry. It's okay. I'll process my anger. I love myself. Whoosah.
Marcus Burnett: I don't know what the **** you're talking about.
Therapist Yes, you do know what the **** i'm talking about.


[Marcus shoots inside Mike's car]
Mike Lowery: What... what the... what are you doing, man.
Marcus Burnett: My bad.
Mike Lowery: Shoot outside. Pay attention to what you're doing.


Marcus Burnett: So sad.
Mike Lowery: What's so sad?
Marcus Burnett: Your untreated control issues. It's not your fault.
Mike Lowery: What in the hell that's suppose to mean?
Marcus Burnett: Your mama probably refused you her tit when you were a baby. You grew up a malnourished high school softie. Got you a gun, a little tight t-shirt and became an overcompensating tough guy.
Mike Lowery: That is the last time you will ever refer to my mother's titties. I don't even want them up in your head.

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