Capt. Howard: I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up, 'Good morning, Marcus. Good morning, Mike. How you doin'? Ai'ight. So how we going to fuck up the captain's life today? Gee, I don't know. I don't know. Ooh, look. Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?'

Floyd Poteet: [Repeated Line] I've got my rights.

Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth. I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.

Alexei: The Russian Grim Reaper is here.

Capt. Howard: 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?

DEA Snell: We don't know you, but you look like you're about to do something stupid. I'm in.

Marcus Burnett: You a virgin?
Reggie: Yes, sir.
Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no fucking tonight.
Mike Lowery: You ever made love to a man?
Reggie: No.
Mike Lowery: You want to?

Mike Lowery: [singing] Bad boys, bad boys what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when we come for you?
[Marcus starts ad-libbing the first verse]
Mike Lowery: Dude, you gotta learn the words.
Marcus Burnett: We usually only do the chorus.

Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats.
Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called umm...
Marcus Burnett: Big motherfuckers.

Mike Lowery: [pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] "Have you ingested X? Look at your pupils.
Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils?
[tries to cross his eyes]

Marcus Burnett: You see that?
Mike Lowery: They throwin' cars. How'd I not see that.
Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Mike Lowery: Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that.

Mike Lowery: Crash the ambulance into the mortuary now.
Detective Mateo Reyes: [over radio] No way. I'm not getting suspended again.
Mike Lowery: I'm gonna whoop your asses if you don't crash that ambulance into the mortuary now.

Mike Lowery: Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reimbursement...
Capt. Howard: The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars.

Marcus Burnett: [During a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk.
Mike Lowery: You want to talk? All right, go ahead, go ahead.
Marcus Burnett: We're not immigration!
Mike Lowery: [More gunfire] They can't hear you 'coz they still shootin' at you.

Marcus Burnett: Look, Mike. Calm down!
Mike Lowery: Calm down? I'm calm. I'm calm. Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving.

Marcus Burnett: Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
Mike Lowrey: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job?
Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!

Megan Burnett: I bet you meet a lot of cute guys. Just like "Sex and the City".
Marcus Burnett: Theresa, cancel the damn cable!

[Mike's way of saying I'm sorry]
Mike Lowery: It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg.
Marcus Burnett: Thoughtful.

Mike Lowery: [pretending to be drunk] Nigga, who is it at the door?
Marcus Burnett: It's Reggie!
Mike Lowery: Who the fuck is Reggie?
Marcus Burnett: Came to take Megan out.
Mike Lowery: [to Reggie] What you want, nigga?
Reggie: I'm here... to take his daughter out.
Mike Lowery: Motherfucker, I heard the boy say your name Reggie? You wanna be takin' Megan out?
Reggie: Yes, sire?
Mike Lowery: How old is you?
Reggie: Fifteen.
Mike Lowery: Shit, nigga. You at least thirty.

Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot.
Syd: What did you say?
Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit.

Marcus Burnett: Police! Pull over! Stop the car!
Mike Lowery: Not your badge, man! He has a gun, shoot him!

Mike Lowery: Rodney, I hear there's a boat on fire off the coast of Cuba.
Rodney: Don't you think we oughta break international waters to help them out?
Mike Lowery: That's my DAWG.

[after Mike lifted the sheet covering the dead bimbo in the morgue]
Marcus Burnett: Mike, have some dignity!
Mike Lowery: What? I ain't doin' nothin'. What am I gonna do with these big-ass fake dead titties?
Marcus Burnett: But you're LOOKIN' at them.
Mike Lowery: There is something seriously wrong with your brain man
Marcus Burnett: Just cover up 'em titties.

[Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit]
Marcus Burnett: Are you a cop or a model?
Mike Lowery: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all.
Marcus Burnett: For who?
Mike Lowery: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Marcus Burnett: Hate the tailor.

Mike Lowery: We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man.
Marcus Burnett: That's what they call an ecstasy dealer on the streets.
Capt. Howard: Marcus, I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.

[Marcus interrogates a dead gang member]
Marcus Burnett: Hey look, man, can you tell me who was driving the black Suburban? Huh? Oh he don't know nothin'. His brains is under the end table.
[turns around to see another dead gang member]
Marcus Burnett: He can't tell us shit, Mike. He's all fucked up.
Mike Lowery: What's your point?
Marcus Burnett: My point is that dead suspects can't say shit.

Marcus Burnett: My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night.
Mike Lowery: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get.
Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.

Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE?
Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking?
Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
''Marcus Burnett''; You gotta call yo self the devil in his house?...shit

Marcus Burnett: [about Mike] Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man.
Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass?
Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you.
Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I'm not saying I didn't shoot you. I did a lot of shooting. But I ain't saying I shot you in the ass...
[looks]
Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass!
Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.

Mike Lowery: Vargas, we're not gonna make it to the tunnel! Go to Plan B! We're going to Plan B!
Marcus Burnett: What Plan B?
Mike Lowery: [pause] Man, you don't pay attention to SHIT, do you?
Syd: [as they start arguing in the middle of the gunfight] Are you fucking shitting me? LET'S GO!
Detective Mateo Reyes: [in the escape tunnel] Plan B? What the hell is Plan B?

Marcus Burnett: [driving with Mike down a hill, through cocaine-processing shacks, in a stolen Humvee] Is this still plan B?
Mike Lowery: Naw, this is definitely plan C!

[while driving across Tapia's estate in a stolen Humvee, being shot at by the Cuban Army]
Mike Lowery: Man, Plan B does not have that big-ass gun in it!
Marcus Burnett: You call this Plan B? What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit!
Mike Lowery: Look, do you want to drive?
Marcus Burnett: Yeah, pull over by those motherfuckers with the MACHINE GUN!

[Mike accidentally shot Marcus in the ass]
Detective Mateo Reyes: Yo Mike, why don't you just give it a little kiss? You know, make it feel better?
Detective Marco Vargas: Hey, just pretend we're not even here.
Marcus Burnett: Say, isn't Ricky Martin having a concert? Get the fuck on!
Detective Mateo Reyes: You always gotta go racial, man.
Detective Marco Vargas: It's sad, man.

Mike Lowery: Hey, isn't it low tide?
Marcus Burnett: Yes, I think it is.
Mike Lowery: Don't you have some relatives that you need to go pick up?
Detective Mateo Reyes: You went too far on that one.

[Johnny has just shot his cousin Roberto - upon hearing the shot, Mama rushes out to the balcony overlooking the courtyard]
Donna Maria Tapia: What happened to Roberto?
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: He just killed himself, Mama.
Donna Maria Tapia: Ai!
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Yes, very sad.
Donna Maria Tapia: You write his mother a nice letter.
[Johnny holds up his hands, one of which is still holding the gun he shot Roberto with]
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'll do it.

Casper: Your partner's a cocky nigger!
Marcus Burnett: Oh damn, now was that necessary, sir? Can't he just be a cop? He got to be a nigga too?

Capt. Howard: You guys are like a couple of blood sucking ticks, draining the life's blood out of this department... Woosaa!
Marcus Burnett: Damn the woosaa captain, did you just call me a tick?
Capt. Howard: [motioning to Mike] I was referring to him.

Marcus Burnett: You know, unlike you my daddy didn't leave me no trust fund. I got real world shit to deal with, Mike. I'm not in it for the thrills.
Mike Lowery: Same old shit, different day. All right, damn, yes i shot you, all right. But you'be seeing nothing at all if i hadn't made my move. So i don't why you're acting so angry about it.
Marcus Burnett: You're misinformed, i'm not angry.
Mike Lowery: Oh, you're very angry.
Marcus Burnett: No, i'm not angry.
[Cutaway to Marcus' therapy session]
Therapist You are angry. It's okay.
Marcus Burnett: I'm not angry. Except when you keep repeating "You're angry". Now that shit's fucking annoying. Like a fucking gnat at a barberque. Just bugging the fuck outta me.
Therapist Good. I want you to say: "I'm angry. It's okay. I'll process my anger. I love myself. Whoosah.
Marcus Burnett: I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Therapist Yes, you do know what the fuck i'm talking about.

[Marcus shoots inside Mike's car]
Mike Lowery: What... what the... what are you doing, man.
Marcus Burnett: My bad.
Mike Lowery: Shoot outside. Pay attention to what you're doing.

Marcus Burnett: So sad.
Mike Lowery: What's so sad?
Marcus Burnett: Your untreated control issues. It's not your fault.
Mike Lowery: What in the hell that's suppose to mean?
Marcus Burnett: Your mama probably refused you her tit when you were a baby. You grew up a malnourished high school softie. Got you a gun, a little tight t-shirt and became an overcompensating tough guy.
Mike Lowery: That is the last time you will ever refer to my mother's titties. I don't even want them up in your head.