Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery quotes

View Quote Quartermaster Clerk: [Returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him] One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Austin Powers: [To Vanessa, frantically] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: [Beginning to get annoyed over the monotony] One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One BOOK, "Swedish-made penis Enlarger Pumps And Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby)", by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: [Gaping] Aaah.
Quartermaster Clerk: Just sign the form.

View Quote Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for.? Honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea bass.
Dr. Evil: [Unconvinced] ... Riiiight.
Number Two: They are mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Really? Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

View Quote Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: [After scanning the deck with his X-ray eye patch] Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] 21. Very good, sir.
Casino Dealer: [To Austin] 5.
Austin Powers: [Waves his hands over his cards] I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Flips his cards over] 20 beats your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.

View Quote Basil Exposition: A lot's happened since you've been frozen. The Cold War's over!
Austin Powers: All right! Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

View Quote Dr. Evil: Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa complications arose in the unfreezing process.
Mustafa: My design was perfect.
Dr. Evil: Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth is completely bald]
Mustafa: But Dr. Evil we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process-
Dr. Evil: Silence! [Presses a button and Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into a pit of fire] Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. [Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent] Gentlemen, lets get down to business. [Mustafa's moans continue] We've got a lot of work to do.
Mustafa: Someone help me. I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.
Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
Mustafa: Hello out there. Anyone. Can someone call an ambulance, I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Dr. Evil: Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet [Mustafa starts again] - excuse me. [Dr. Evil picks up a phone and talks to a henchmen on the other line] Yes, he's down there.
Henchman: [almost inaudible] Is he dead yet?
Dr. Evil: No, not dead. Burnt, badly.
Henchman: Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?
Dr. Evil: Yes.
Henchman: Kill him?
Dr. Evil: Right. [hangs up the phone]
Mustafa: If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here I could get out. See I designed this device myself [a hatch is heard opening] - Oh, hi, good. I'm glad you found me, listen I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- [a gunshot fires] You shot me!
Dr. Evil: Okay, moving on-
Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm! Why would you- [another gunshot fires, all is silent for a moment, then the hatch is heard closing]
Dr. Evil: Right.

View Quote The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloë with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds – pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking – I suggest you try it.

View Quote Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss ****ina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: Did you at least use protection ?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port.

View Quote Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
[Scott enters]
Dr. Evil: Hello Scott.
Scott Evil: Hi.
Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.
Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?
Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?
Scott Evil: No.
Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.
Scott Evil: No way.
Dr. Evil: Come here.
Scott Evil: I'm not coming over there.
Dr. Evil: Let's go.
Scott Evil: Forget it.
Dr. Evil: Pronto.
Scott Evil: What are you doing?
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Tak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak-a [Dr. Evil dances the Macarena] Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein, give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.

View Quote Scott Evil: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: They're gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Just know that I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.

View Quote [Austin tries to resist to Fembots] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers. [One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

View Quote How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father!

View Quote Vanessa Kensington: That's you in a nutshell.
Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"

View Quote [Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]
Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.

View Quote My God, Vanessa's got a fantastic body... and I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell her that, because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner-monologue? [beat] I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

View Quote Dr. Evil: Ok, no problem. here's my second plan. Back in the 60s, I developed a weather changing machine, which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a (uses air quotes) LASER. Using these LASERs, we punch a hole in the protective hole around the world, which we call the (further air qoutes) Ozone Layer. Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless the world pays us a hefty ranson... (puts pinky to mouth smugly)
Number 2: (clears throat) That also...already...has happened.
Dr. Evil: Shit. (beat of silence) Oh hell, let's just do what we always do, hi-jack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good.