Zoe: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman alive. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer. And in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables, and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

Life is pain management

Never interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David. And you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock, not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Melvin: [answering the door] Is he dead yet?
Nora: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
Melvin: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
Melvin: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

What if this is as good as it gets?

Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.

This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.

People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

You're a disgrace to depression.

Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!

I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!

Police! Donut-munching morons! Help me!