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Melvin Udall quotes

Life is pain management

What if this is as good as it gets?

Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.

This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman alive. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer. And in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables, and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.

People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

You're a disgrace to depression.

Never interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David. And you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock, not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!

I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!

Police! Donut-munching morons! Help me!

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

I guess what I'm trying to say is... you make me want to be a better man.

How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?

Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.

Where do they teach you to talk like that? Some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day and a last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy some place else, we're all stocked up here.

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