Nick Ah, who, ah… who did the painting?
That? Oh, that's by…
… some Greek with a moustache Martha attacked one night in a, in a… [laughs stiffly]
Played by George Segal 
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) · 30 quotes
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) · 30 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966): in 11 of its 30 quotes
Most scenes with: George (10), Martha (7), Honey (3)
Scenes with Nick
11 scenes Nick Fix the kids a drink, George. What would you like to drink, kid– kid.
Nick Honey? what would you like?
Ohhhh, I don't know, dear, a little brandy maybe. "Never mix, never worry!"
Brandy? Just brandy? Simple, simple…
Nick Bourbon on the rocks, if you don't mind.
Mind? I don't mind. I don't think I mind. Martha? Rubbing alcohol for you?
Sure! "Never mix, never worry!"
What made you decide to be a teacher?
Nick Well, the same things that motivated you, I imagine.
Oh? What were they?
Nick Pardon?
I said, what were they? What were the things that motivated me?
Nick Well, I'm sure I don't know.
You just finished saying that the things that motivated you were the same things that motivated me.
Nick I said I imagined they were.
Oh, did you?
Nick [to Honey]
We'll go in a little while.
Oh no! No, you mustn't! Martha is changing, and Martha is not changing for me! Martha hasn't changed for me in years! If Martha is changing, that means we're going to be here for days. You're being accorded an honor. You mustn't forget that Martha is the daughter of our beloved boss. She is his right… arm, heh heh. I was going to use another word, but we'll leave that sort of talk to Martha.
What sort of talk?
Nick [George turns to see Martha has changed into a tight blouse and slacks.]
Well, now.
Why, Martha! Your Sunday chapel dress!
All I said was that our son, the apple of our three eyes — Martha being a cyclops — our son is a beanbag, and you get testy!
Nick I'm sorry, it's late! I'm tired. I've been drinking since nine o'clock, my wife is vomiting… there's been a lot of screaming going on around here!
So you get testy, naturally! Don't worry about it! Anybody who comes here ends up getting testy; it's expected! Don't be upset!
Nick I'm not upset.
You're testy.
Nick Yes.
Hark! Forest sounds.
Nick Hmm?
Animal noises.
Heyyyy!
Take the trouble to construct a civilization, to build a society based on the principles of, uh… of principle.
Nick Honey!
You make government and art and realize that they are, must be, both the same. You bring things to the saddest of all points, to the point where there is something to lose. Then, all at once, through all the music, through all the sensible sounds of men building, attempting, comes the Dies Irae. And what is it? What does the trumpet sound? "Up yours".
[Honey and George watch Nick and Martha dancing closely.]
They're dancing like they danced before.
It's a familiar dance, Monkey Nipples. They both know it.
Nick I like the way you move, too.
Nick [After George's game of "Get the Guests" sends Honey into the restroom again…]
That was cruel and vicious…
Hmm, she'll get over it.
Nick … and damaging…
She'll recover.
Nick … damaging to me!
To you?
Nick To me!
To you?
Nick YES!
Oh-ho-ho-ho, beautiful! My god, you gotta have a swine to show you where the truffles are!
Nick To you, everybody's a flop! Your husband's a flop, I'm a flop…
You're all flops. I am the Earth Mother, and you are all flops.
[She turns away from Nick.]
I disgust me. You know, there's only been one man in my whole life who's ever made me happy. You know that? One.
Nick What, the gym instructor or something?
No, no, no, no. George. [pause] My husband?
Nick You're kidding.
Am I?
Nick You must be! Him?
Yep.
Nick George, sure!
You don't believe it.
Nick Well, of course I do!
You always deal in appearances?
Nick Oh, for God's sake.
George, who is out somewhere there in the dark. Who is good to me. Whom I revile. Who can keep learning the games we play as quickly as I can change them. Who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy. Yes, I do wish to be happy. George and Martha — sad, sad, sad.
Nick Sad.
Whom I will not forgive for having come to rest, for having seen me and having said, "Yes, this will do". Who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving… me. And must be punished for it. George and Martha — sad, sad, sad.
Nick [Nick guides his hopping, drunken wife into the room.]
Here we are.
Hip, hop! Hip, hop! Hip, hop! Hip, hop!
Nick Are you a bunny, Honey?
Well, now, how's the bunny?
Bunny funny! [giggles]
Bunny funny. Good for bunny!
Come on, George!
[George gestures from Martha to Honey.]
Honey, funny bunny.
[Honey dissolves into drunken laughter.]