N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Harry: Helen comes home from and she said, "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." Like it's the institution, you know, like it's nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about... in a casual way. I'm calm, I say, "Why don't we take some time to think about it, you know, don't rush into anything."
Jess: Yeah, right.
Harry: Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you, which is what I'm saying to you, that's when it occurs to me that maybe...she doesn't. So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" You know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you."
Jess: Ooo that's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away.
Harry: Thanks Jess.
Jess: No, I'm a writer, I know dialogue and that's particularly harsh.
Harry: Then she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America and she can sub-let his apartment. I can't believe this, and the doorbell rings, 'I can sub-let his apartment', the words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth.
Jess: Like in the cartoon.
Harry: Right. So I go to the door, and there were moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, "Helen when did you call these movers?", and she doesn't say anything. So I asked the movers, "When did this woman book you for this gig?". And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them was wearing a T-shirt that says, "Don't **** with Mr. Zero." So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?". She says, "A week ago." I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?". And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday."
Jess: You're say Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
Harry: Mr. Zero knew.
Jess: I can't believe this!
Harry: I haven't told you the worst part yet.
Jess: What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?
Harry: It's all a lie. She's in love with somebody else, some tax attorney. She moved in with him.
Jess: How did you find out?
Harry: I followed her, I stood outside the building.
Jess: That's so humiliating.
Harry: Tell me about it. And do you know I knew? I knew the whole time that even though we were happy it was just an illusion and that one day she will kick the shit out of me.
Jess: Marriages don't break up on a count of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry: Oh really? Well that symptom is ****ing my wife.

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