N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Lance Landers: Ah, Rick Riker. How are your parents?
Rick: They died violently nine years ago.
Lance Landers: But, otherwise okay?
Mental Hospital Patient: [on phone] No, you listen to me! This is the Empire City Times, not some two-bit rag. I want that story on my desk by the end of business tonight or you're fired! [Presses button for another line] Wilkins, I've got tomorrow's editorial: When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they ever slept with! Does that make you gay? Yes, yes it does! [hangs up phone and turns to Rick] Who the hell are you?!
Rick: Hi i'm Rick Riker, I was wondering if you had a job opening for--
Mental Hospital Patient: Job?! JOB!? How dare you come in here and ask me for a job! I've turned down millions of saps like you, and i'll turn down a million more. I'm the editor-in-chief! I can start fires with my mind. I know the mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the future! Rosie O'Donnell is-[carried out of the office by two men]
Editor-in-Chief: Sorry about this. We share the building with a mental hospital.
Dr. Whitby: [about Aunt Lucille] She can't walk, she can't talk. She has no control over her bowels.
Rick: That's terrible!
Dr. Whitby: I know. I went ahead and set up a MySpace account for her under "Crazyshitmachine" [Rick looks at him, appaled]. She already has 40 friends.
Professor Xavier: Hello, Rick.
Rick: Who are you and how do you know my name?
Professor Xavier: I'm a psychic.
Rick: Prove it.
Professor Xavier: Think of any number between one and a million and I'll tell you what it is.
Rick: Nine.
Professor Xavier: Not out loud, dumbass! Come with me, you dumb son-of-a-bitch.
Chief Karlin: The lady was badly hurt.
Interviewer: How was she hurt?
Chief Karlin: Badly!

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