Zoe [Hallie, Zoe and Nicole are sweaty and worn out. The morning's hike has almost finished them in, but their spirits are high]
I swear I heard your evil clone sneezing all the road across the mess hall.
[sings]
That's the fashion, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!
[The other girls laugh, and Hallie stifles a yawn]
I'm tired. I'm crawling back into bed and sleeping until lunch.
N Nicole
[Nicole stops short]
That does not seem like a possibility, babe.
N Nicole
[she points up at the roof of their bunk]
That's why not.
[Hallie and Zoe look up. Every cot in bunk eleven is settled cozily on the roof. Hallie's mouth drops open]
No way.
[That night, three shadowy figures steal toward the Navajo bunkhouse. While Annie and her friends sleep, the three intruders work faster. A jar of honey is poured into a pair of shoes. A can of shaving cream is squirted into a pillowcase. Twine winds crazily around the room. Cooking oil goes on the floor. And a can of chocolate syrup is emptied into a bucket] [Reveille the next morning brings on a best show. As the Navajos awaken, they encounter the twine, the sticky honey, the oil. Dripping with shaving cream, Annie yells out]
That girl is without a doubt the lowest, most awful creature that ever walked the earth!
[That girl is watching it all happen through the windows]
Thank you. Thank you very much. [She and Zoe and Nicole are pink from pent-up laughter. They slap hands as the two Marvas approach, clipboards at the ready]
MS Marva Senior
Good morning, girls.
G Girls
Morning, Marvas. [The girls respond automatically] Marvas?!
MS Marva Senior
[Marva Senior climbs the steps to the bunkhouse]
Navajos! Surprise inspection! Ten-shun! [She reaches for the handle to the screen door, but Hallie is blocking the road]
No, Marva, don't go in there. [She thinks fast] One of the girls got sick and it's a big mess. Save yourself the aggravation. It's really disgusting.
MS Marva Senior
[Marva Senior blinks]
Well, if someone's sick, darling, then I must go in. [She reaches for the handle again, and Hallie tries to stop her. Above the doorway is perched the bucket with chocolate syrup. The Marvas are about to get it]
No, really! I can't let you go in. She's highly contagious!
Actually, we're all quite fine in here. Unless Hallie Parker knows something we don't. [She looks above the door] Really, I exist, open the door and come see for yourself, ma'am.
[Marva Senior swings the door open. Marva Junior is right behind her. A string attached to the door frame tips the bucket of syrup over. Both Marvas are covered with chocolate. Shrieking, they slip on the oily floor, get tangled in the twine and trigger another tilting bucket. One filled with feathers. The feathers float down like a snowstorm and stick to the honey and chocolate] [Hallie is aghast]
I warned you it was a mess in here!
[Annie stands with her hands on her hips]
She should know. She did it!
MS Marva Senior
[Marva Senior coughs up a few feathers and wipes the chocolate syrup from around her eyes. She focuses on Annie and Hallie]
You and you. Pack your bags.
MS Marva Senior
[Annie and Hallie follow the Marvas up a steep hillside. Hallie balances her yellow duffel on her shoulder, and Annie trudges along behind, her arms complete with matched luggage. The whole camp marches behind them] [At the end of the path, Marva Senior blows her whistle and dismisses the other campers]
The rest of you go on back to your activities. You two–– [She gestures toward a lonely cabin perched on top of the hill] The isolation bunk.
MS Marva Senior
[The interior of the isolation bunk is as forlorn as the location. Sunlight illuminates the dust and the spider webs]
We have six weeks left of camp. And you two, who refuse to get along, are going to spend every glorious one of them together.
MJ Marva Junior
[Marva Junior sneers. It is ghastly]
You eat together, you'll bunk together and do all of your activities together. Either you'll find a fashion to get along or you'll punish yourselves far better than we ever could.
[They exercise together, fence and box together, read and play games together, share meals––all without speaking. At bedtime, Hallie cuddles down with her stuffed animal, Cuppy, while Annie writes letters. Hallie will reach up to switch off the lights, and Annie will snap them back on] [From the main lodge underneath, the Marvas can see the lights go off in the isolation bunk, then on, then off. On. Off. On. Off. On. The punishment is working]
Hallie, what's your mother like?
I never met her. She and my dad split up when I was a baby, maybe even before, I'm not sure. He doesn't really like to talk about her... but I know she was really beautiful.
Because my dad had this old picture of her hidden in his sock drawer and he caught me looking at it all the time so he gave it to me to keep. I'm really thirsty, you sure you don't want to go to the mess hall and get a lemonade?
Will you stop thinking about your stomach at a time like this?!
[as she and Hallie step back into the cabin]
Don't you realize what's happening? Oh man, this is beyond coincidence, this is beyond imagination! I only have a mother, and you only have a father... You've never seen your mum, and I've never seen my dad. You have one old picture of your mum, I have one old picture of my dad! Well, at least yours is probably a whole picture; Mine's a pathetic little thing, ripped right down the middle...! [notices Hallie going through her bag] What are you rummaging in your trunk for, this time?
[she finally faces Annie as she holds a picture to her chest]
This. It's the picture of my mom. And it's ripped too.
[knowing]
Right down the middle?
[nervously]
Right down the middle.
[races over to her trunk and takes out a photo and holds it to her chest]
This is so freaky. Okay. On the count of three, we'll show them to each other, okay?
[together with Hallie]
3!
[they both gasp as they place the photo together and realize...]
That's my dad...
That's my mum... [she hears the lunch bell] That's the lunch bell.
[as she wipes away her tears]
I'm not so hungry anymore. So if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad... and we're both born on October 11th, then you and I are... like... sisters.
Sisters? Hallie, we're like twins!
Girls, you are going to tell me why you lied and brought me here without telling your father.
Were they? OK, that's good. Ah, well then I'm just going to go back to my room and check out the ole minibar situation.
Wait! Does everyone here know something I don't know?!
Mum... Daddy's getting married.
[Elizabeth takes a moment to process this, then falls back down on the sofa]
To Cruella de Vil – She's awful, Mom! We can't let him go through with it!
She's all wrong for him, Mom! And the only way he won't marry her is if... [stops; to Annie] You tell her, she knows you better.
[sits down next to her mother]
Is if he sees you again.
Wait a minute... You're not trying to set me up with your father?!
Actually, we are. You're perfect for each other!
[notices both Martin and Chessy trying to sneak away]
Hold it! You two knew about this?!
[feigning ignorance]
What?! Oh, no!
No! Madame, no! Absolutely no idea–!
No, no, no, no! I had no idea–! [Elizabeth gives them a look] ...Yes. I did know something...
...Yes. Technically, yes. I had an inkling, anyway...
How far away is London anyway?
Well, from here it's 3,000 miles, but sometimes it seems much further... How far away is your home?
Oh, California is way at the other end of the country. Actually, here's a picture of my house. [shows Annie a photo]
Yeah. We built it when I was little. We've got this incredible porch that looks over the entire vineyard, and then–
[points to figure in the photograph]
Who.. Who's that?
Oh, that's my Dad; He didn't know I was taking the picture then, or else he would have turned around. He's kinda like my best friend. We do everything together. [Annie sighs] What's the matter?
Oh, it's chilly in here, that's all...
[pulls out a packet of Oreos]
Want one?
Oh, sure, I love Oreos! At home I eat them with... I eat them with peanut butter.
[surprised]
You do? That is so weird... [pulls out a jar of peanut butter] So do I!
You're kidding! Most people find that totally disgusting!
I know! I don't get it...
[They both laugh]
What's your dad like? I mean, is he the kind of father you can talk to, or is he one of those workaholic types who says; "I'll talk to ya later, honey...", but you know, never really does? I hate that.
I don't have a father, actually. I mean, I had one once, I suppose... But my parents divorced years ago. My mother never even mentions him. It's like he evaporated into thin air, or something...
It's scary the way nobody stays together anymore.
So, doesn't designing all these wedding gowns ever make you think about getting married again, or at least make you think about the "F" word?
[surprised]
The "F" word?
Oh! Oh, that "F" word! Well, no actually, because I didn't even wear a wedding gown when I married the "F" word.
Why the sudden curiosity about your dad, huh?
Well, maybe because he's never mentioned? And you can't blame a kid for wondering. Mother, you can't avoid the subject forever. At least tell me what he was like.
Okay. He was quite lovely, to tell you the truth. When we met he was... actually, entirely lovely.
So, did you meet him here in London?
The Queen Elizabeth II. It's an ocean liner that sails from London to New York... 'cause I wasn't keen on flying then, and neither was your father. We met our first night on board ship. We were seated next to each other at dinner. He's an American, you know.
No kidding? So, was it love at first sight?
[sighs in mock-exasperation]
I knew you were going to ask me all these questions one day!
All right, shall we review your mother's list?
Now, let's see... Vitamins?
List of daily fruits and vegetables.
Check. Check. [Martin looks at her oddly] Check for fruits, check for vegetables. Go on.
Sun block, lip balm, insect repellent, [Annie bits back a smile] stationery, stamps, photograph of your mother, grandfather... and, of course, your trusty butler, me.
Oh, and, um, here's a little something from your grandfather; [holds out a deck of cards] A spanking-new deck of cards. Maybe you'll actually find somebody on this continent who can whip your tush at poker.
Well, I doubt it, but thanks.
Hal, come here. We have to talk.
Okay, honey... I want to know what you think about making Meredith part of the family.
I think it's an awesome idea. Inspired. Brilliant, really.
Totally, it's like a dream come true. I've always wanted a big sister.
Oh... um... Honey, I think you're kind of missing the point.
No, I'm not. You're gonna adopt Meredith. That's so sweet, Dad!
No, I'm not going to adopt her... I'm going to marry her.
[leaps from her seat]
Marry her?! That's insane! How can you marry a woman young enough to be my big sister?! [starts ranting in French] Mais tu plaisantes, j'espère. Meredith, ce n'est pas une fille pour toi. Mais c'est pas possible, je rêve. Qu'est-ce qui...
Hal, Hal, Hal! Calm down, Hal! [beat] Are you speaking 'French?
I... I learned it at camp. [takes a breath] Okay, I'm sorry. Let's discuss this calmly. Calmly and rationally.
Yeah, and in English, if you don't mind, right?
Sweetheart, what has gotten into you?
Nothing, nothing, just... just... Dad, you can't get married! It'll totally ruin completely everything!
[she runs from the house]
Hal! Hal! Hallie!
[he looks to Chessy, who appears at a window]
Don't look at me, I don't know a thing. [closes the windows]
Hello, Nick. Well, gosh. There you are. What do you know?
Is there something going on here that I should know about? Because I'm stunned to see you. But, ah, you don't seem as stunned to see me. I mean I haven't seen or heard from you in what, 10, 11 years? And all of sudden on the very day that ...
[suddenly appearing, interrupting]
Dad, I can explain why she's here.
Hallie, you know who this is?
Actually, yes. And actually, I'm not Hallie.
[suddenly appearing]
Actually, I am.
Both of them? Annie, Hallie?
I guess you and Mum kind of think alike because you both sent us to the same camp, and we met there, and the whole thing just sort of spilled out.
They switched places on us, Nick.
You mean I've had Annie with me all this time?
Well, I wanted to know what you were like and Hallie wanted to know Mum and — are you angry?
Oh, honey, of course not. I just can't believe it's you. [they hug] Last time I saw you, you had diaper rash. You're all wet.
Well I'm quite grown up now and quite without a father.
And I'm headed into my crazy mixed up teenage years and I'll be the only girl I know without a mother to fight with.
Hallie, you've been in London all this time? [Hallie nods] Come here, squirt. [they hug]
Mom's amazing, Dad. I don't know how you ever let her go.
Girls, why-why don't you let your father and I talk alone for a couple of minutes, okay?
