Jeremy You're very beautiful, aren't you?
Am I?
Jeremy In a quirky sort of way.
Naked quotes
Page 1 of 2 Jeremy Jeremy Bonjour.
What's goin' on? What're you doin' 'ere?
Well, you see. I was over 'ere [takes a step to the left], like this, but that didn't work for me, so I thought I'd try over here [steps back], but I don't think there's much future in this one either.
How did you get here?
Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday.
So what happened? Were you bored in Manchester?
Was I bored? No, I wasn't ****in' bored. I'm never bored. That's the trouble with everybody – you're all so bored. You've 'ad nature explained to you, and you're bored with it. You've 'ad the living body explained to you, and you're bored with it. You've 'ad the universe explained to you, and you're bored with it. So now you just want cheap thrills and like plenty of 'em, and it dun matter 'ow tawdry or vacuous they are as long as it's new, as long as it's new, as long as it flashes and **** bleeps in forty different colours. Well, whatever else you can say about me, I'm not ****in' bored.
Well, I don't know if I want to get married, but I wouldn't say no to a proper relationship.
What is a proper relationship?
Living with someone who talks to ya after they've bonked ya.
So, are you Louise's boyfriend?
No.
Oh, right. What, you're just, like, a mate?
Primate.
You must be the missing link then.
Yeah, that's me.
You're not gonna tell me your name.
No.
I'm not gonna tell you mine neither.
All right. We'll be strangers.
Do you think that the amoeba ever dreamed that it would evolve into the frog? Of course it didn't. And when that first frog shimmied out of the water and employed its vocal cords in order to attract a mate or to **** a predator, do you think that that frog ever imagined that that incipient croak would evolve into all the languages of the world, into all the literature of the world? Of course it **** didn't. And just as that froggy could never possibly have conceived of Shakespeare, so we can never possibly imagine our destiny.
Do you think you can recapture your youth by ****in' it? You don't want to **** me, you'll catch something cruel.
I don't know what they want from you half the time. What they start off liking you for, they end up hating you for. Don't like you if you're strong. Don't like you if you're weak. Hate you if you're clever, hate you if you're stupid. They don't know what they want.
I know it's a bit cheeky but, er, I'm a cheeky young monkey!
It's funny being inside, innit? 'Cause when you are inside, you're still actually outside, aren't ya? And then you can say, when you're outside, you're inside, because you're always inside your head.
Resolve is never stronger in the morning, after the night it was never weaker.
Yes, it is a boring job. Bloody boring, actually. But all you can see is the tip of the iceberg, the present, the tedious here and now. What you're incapable of seeing is the rest of time, the rest of the iceberg, past and the future – my future – which is a very interesting place to be. The good thing about this job is that it gives me time and space to contemplate the future at my leisure, whilst the city sleeps, free from the cacophonous curiosity of the hoi polloi. So, you see, it's not a boring job. And I'm not boring either.
You see, the thing is, Brian, that God is a hateful god. Must be, because if God is good, then why is there evil in the world? Why is there pain and hate and greed and war? Doesn't make sense. But if God is a nasty bastard, then you can say, "Why is there good in the world? Why is there love and hope and joy?" Well, let's face it. Good exists in order to be **** up by evil. The very existence of good enables evil to flourish. Therefore, God is bad. And it doesn't matter how many past or future existences you have, because they're all gonna be riddled with grief and anguish and sickness and death. You see, Brian, God doesn't love you. God despises you. So there's no hope, and mankind is just a component of the device by which the devil creates itself. Are you with me? You see, what I'm saying, basically, is... you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. And humanity is just a cracked egg. And the omelet stinks.
You shouldn't stick anything up your **** that you can't put in your mouth.