Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

View Quote [Fog horn blows]
Mr. Poe: Children, is that you?
Klaus: Mr. Poe, we're-
Count Olaf: (interrupting) Drowning. (sticks Klaus' head in water, brings it back up then turns toward water) Back to the depths, you fingery devils! (turns to Klaus) You will not devour this boy's head today. (hugs Klaus close to him)
Mr. Poe: Count Olaf, what are you doing here?
Dectective: Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
Count Olaf: I know, I know. I shouldn't have come. But when I heard the children were in danger, I had to. Even if I'm not...(turns away, makes downcast face)...fit to be their guardian.
Mr. Poe: It appears I was wrong about you, Count Olaf
Klaus and Violet: NO!
Sunny: NO!

View Quote And I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

View Quote Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the earth! [starts acting like a dinosaur and making dinosaur sounds]

View Quote You are so deceased!

View Quote I'm sorry... I don't speak monkeyish.

View Quote And just like that, the Baudelaire Children became the Baudelaire Orphans. I tried to tell you. This would be an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theater, living room or airplane this film is showing in. It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

View Quote This... is a little piece I like to call "The Electric Chair". (Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens. In a country/redneck accent) I think ya' might have t' turn it up a little! (slight pause) Is anybody...OOUUTT TTHHEERREE!!! DAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

View Quote [During marriage scene during Count Olaf's play]
Critic: She doesn't deserve him. (blots eyes)
Detective: (in agreement, shakes head)No.
Critic: Are you thinking that?
Detective: She doesn't.

View Quote The Detective: (to Violet) Little girl, the big cage door is open. No snake. Dead guy. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking who woke me up at nine in the morning for this?

View Quote Now, now. Let's keep our heads here. If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

View Quote What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!