Langford quotes from The King of Comedy (1982)

Pupkin

I'm grateful for this chance to talk to you ... I hope I'm not boring you.

Langford

I'll let you know.

Pupkin

Really? Fine. I'm Rupert Pupkin, Jerry. I know that the name itself doesn't mean very much to you but it means an awful lot to me, believe me. Maybe you've seen outside your show and wondered who I am. Well, right now, I'm in communications but, by nature, I'm a stand-up comedian. I know what you're thinking -- 'Oh no. Not another one.' And I wouldn't take up even one minute of your time if I wasn't absolutely convinced of my talent. I'm really good, Jerry, believe me, I'm dynamite. Now you're probably wondering if I'm so good why haven't you caught my act somewhere, right?

Langford

Well ...

Pupkin

Well, up to now, I've been biding my time developing my act slowly and carefully so that when my big break finally comes, I'm ready -- like you were that night Paar got sick and you sat in for him. I was there that night, in the theater. That was the most important night of my life, until tonight, of course.
...

Pupkin

Well, that night you did Paar, I walked out of the theater like I was in a dream. All of a sudden, I knew what I wanted. I started catching your guest appearances on Sullivan and taping them and, when you got your own show, it got to be a kind of regular thing. I studied how you built to your one-liners, nice and relaxed like you were chatting, and how you delivered the jokes without leaning too much on them, without saying "here's the punchline, folks." And I watched the way you played off dead audiences, how you let those long silences build until people couldn't stand it and then the way you got them off the hook with that slow smile. You were my college of comedy, Jerry, like a kind of teacher, a friend. I know it sounds crazy, but when you watch someone every night ... But that's all in the past. What I'm trying to say is this. I'm ready now. I've finished the course. And I'm thinking as we sit here talking "Is this it? Is this that one big break?" Is it, Jerry?
...

Langford

Look, why don't you call my office.

Pupkin

Could I?! Oh, I knew you'd say that, Jerry. You don't know how many times I've had this conversation in my head. And this is the way it always turns out. That's why I had to sort of invite myself into the car tonight. I know it's kind of presumptuous and I really appreciate the time you've given me. But breaks like this don't just happen. You have to make your own breaks.

Pupkin

I've been giving a lot of thought to your situation, Jerry, ever since I saw you starting to lose ground in the ratings. And I think I know what the problem is. Too many of the same faces.

Langford

Yeah?

Pupkin

Sure, people are getting tired of these people who live off game shows and talk shows and can't really do anything. They've seen 'em and heard 'em till they can't stand it anymore.

Langford

You know, maybe you're right, Rube.

Pupkin

I'm sure I am. When a show runs out of surprises, it loses its audience.

You're Jerry!! You know something? [She giggles] I undress in front of you every night and Larry here doesn't mind at all.

I can't get anything started with her until you're off the air. Your show is ruining my sex life, Jerry.

Langford

Well then, you'll just have to put on a better show than I do.

Pupkin

All I'm asking is fifteen minutes. That's all. Just long enough to listen to my act. Is that asking too much -- fifteen minutes of your day against my whole life?

Langford

I'll call the police if I have to... I have my own life, that's all.

Pupkin

But what about me, Jerry? What about my life? I made plans -- based on what you said. You can't just turn your back on me.

Langford

I'm not telling you again.

Pupkin

So this is the way it works when you're big, huh? You just play with people. Is that part of the kick, Jerry? I can see I was all wrong about you. All wrong.

Rita

Come on, Rupert.

Pupkin

Shut up! You weren't my friend at all, were you? You were just playing some kind of game with me. Well, that's not going to stop me, Jerry. I'm just going to work a little bit harder, that's all, use a little bit more enterprise. And not count on anybody. That's where I made my mistake. I can see that now.

Pupkin

I didn't like being so rough out there, Jerry. But I wanted you to know that I meant business. I didn't want anything happening to you over some misunderstanding. Now I know you're wondering what this is all about. Actually you've got nothing to worry about. You just do what I tell you and by, say, midnight, you'll be safe and out of here. Of course if you try anything clever, I'll kill you -- or Marsha will. She knows how to use this too.

Langford

You realize what you're saying.

Pupkin

Come on, Jerry. This isn't a spur of the moment thing. Give me a little credit, will you. Sit down. Now, you're going to call your office and tell them this: that unless a man who identifies himself as the King is allowed on the show tonight as the first guest, they'll never see you alive again.