Hades quotes from Hercules (1997)

Hades

How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!

Hades

It's a small underworld, after all, huh?

Hades

Zeusy, I'm home!

Hades

So is this an audience or a mosaic?

Hades

Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.

Hades

He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

Hades

Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.

Hades

I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one schlemiel who can louse it up is WALTZING AROUND IN THE WOODS!!!

Hades

Alright, so here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours-- Okay, say the next 24 hours, [fast] and-Meg-here-is-as-free-as-a-bird-and-safe-from-harm,-you-dance,-you-kiss,-you-schmooze,-you carry-on,-we-go-home-happy...-Whaddaya-say?-Come-on.

Hades

I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for eighteen years goes up in smoke, and you...are wearing...His...MERCHANDISE!!!

Hades

Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy but ever-so-crucial tiny little detail? I OWN YOU!!

Hades

You work for me! If I say "Sing", you say "Hey, name that tune!"

Hades

Baboom. Name is Hades, lord of the dead, hi, howya doin'?

Hades

Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian butt!

Hades

Gotta blaze. I have a whole cosmos out there waiting for me... with, hey, my name on it.

Hades

Whoa! Is my hair out?

Hades

Game, Set, Match.

Hades

My favorite part of the game. Sudden death.

Hades

We were so CLOSE!! We were so close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little nut Meg had to go all noble.

Hades

What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm - I'm here with nothin'. Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm - What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace?! Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.

Hades

Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.

Hades

Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!

Hades

We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d’ya say? Come on.

Hades

Ba-boom! Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'?

Hades

GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!

Hades

Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one swell consolation prize, a friend of yours who's dying to see me.

Hades

This is... This is impossible! You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a... (Pain and Panic: A god?) Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- [Hercules punches Hades] Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... [Hercules punches him into the river of death] GAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! [souls go to grab him] Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah— (Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there!; Pain: You mean, if he gets outta there!) Taxi! TAXI! (Panic: If. If is good.) I don't feel so good. I—I'm feeling a little... FLUSHED!

Hercules

You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.

Hades

Oh, hmph. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.

Hercules

Going once!

Hades

Hmm? Is there a downside to this?

Hercules

Going twice!

Hades

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! You get her out. She goes, you stay.

Hades

Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

Hades

This is... This is impossible! Y-y-you can't be alive! You'd have to be a...

A God?!

Hades

Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the River Guardian to join my team for the uprising, and now here I am, kind of River Guardian-less.

Meg

I gave it my best shot, but me made me an offer I had to refuse.

Hades

So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?

This might be a different Hercules.

Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!

Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?!

Hercules

People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?

Hades

Nah! I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Zeus

So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?

Hades

Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Zeus

You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death!

Zeus

Oh, I kill myself!

Hades

If only. If only.

Hades

Ladies! Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
Fate 1, Fate 2, Fate 3: Late.

We knew you would be.

We know everything.

Past.

Present.

And future. [aside, to Panic] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.

Hades

Ay, verse. Oy.

The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.

Hades

Mmm-hmm. Good, good.

Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!

Hades

Yes! Hades rules!

A word of caution to this tale...

Hades

Excuse me?

Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

Hades

WHAT?! [calmly] Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine.

Meg

Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules!

Hercules... oh... why does that name ring a bell?

I dunno... maybe we owe him money?

Hades

What... was that name... again?

Meg

Hercules.

Hades

OH!!!

Meg

He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to--?

OH, MY GODS!

Run for it!

Hades

So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?!

This might be a different Hercules!

Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... [Hades chokes him] very popular name nowadays!

"Remember like a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!"

Hades

I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel... who can louse it up... is waltzing around... IN THE WOODS! [literally explodes with rage]

Hades

I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even-- [notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals] What are those?

Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.

Hades

I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, [up in flames] ...and you... are wearing... HIS MERCHANDISE!?!?!

Thirsty?
[Hades, entirely up in flames, screams; a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]

Hades

Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?!

ZEUS!!

Hades

And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?!

DESTROY HIM!

Hades

Good answer.