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Anchor: Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, have just arrested a gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls and convenience stores. Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car, which contained a large bag of marijuana. And in other news, the Muckleburg police department are still looking for a fugitive who escaped from the police station last night with a companion believed to be his accomplice. Police have released sketches of the two fugitives which they believe to be extremely accurate.
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Palumbo: [upon being arrested for brutality and racism] I'm not a [bleep] racist, all right? You mother [bleep]. Those black mother [bleep] won't get away with this, a'right?! So, [bleep] falls to all y'all! Okay?! So you can suck my [bleep]!
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Bradley: [Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.
Kumar: 80 bucks?
Bradley: Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Bradley: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?
Bradley: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
Kumar: 80 bucks?
Bradley: Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Bradley: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?
Bradley: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
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Burger Shack Employee: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... Just makes me wanna burn this mother****er down.
[he turns to his partner]
Employee: Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! [starts destroying stuff] Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
[he turns to his partner]
Employee: Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! [starts destroying stuff] Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
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Dr. Patel: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off!
Kumar: Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and **** it all up!
Kumar: Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and **** it all up!
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Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores.
Kumar: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores.
Kumar: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
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Employee: You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[bursts out laughing]
Harold: [smirks] Semen.
Employee: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
[bursts out laughing]
Harold: [smirks] Semen.
Employee: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
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Freakshow: What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar: Shit! Shit!
Freakshow: I most certainly did not!
Harold: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Did not!
Kumar: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar: You did, you did.
Freakshow: You sure?
Harold: You said it.
Freakshow: [laughs] My mistake. Well, since we're all here, how 'bout a four-some?
Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar: Shit! Shit!
Freakshow: I most certainly did not!
Harold: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Did not!
Kumar: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar: You did, you did.
Freakshow: You sure?
Harold: You said it.
Freakshow: [laughs] My mistake. Well, since we're all here, how 'bout a four-some?
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Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching "The Gift". Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!
Rosenberg: Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg: Touché.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!
Rosenberg: Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg: Touché.
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Harold: [riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
Kumar: Both.
Kumar: Both.
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Harold: Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those!
Kumar: Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
[Harold stares at Kumar in shock and disbelief]
Kumar: Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
[Harold stares at Kumar in shock and disbelief]
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Harold: Back off, **** boy. What I said him goes double for you.
J.D.: **** boy? You just call me **** boy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling 'cause you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough... **** boy! [raises an index finger in a vain attempt to flip Harold off]
J.D.: **** boy? You just call me **** boy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling 'cause you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough... **** boy! [raises an index finger in a vain attempt to flip Harold off]
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Harold: Did Doogie Howser just steal my ****ing car?
Kumar: Yes. I think he did.
Harold: [starts screaming] You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!
Kumar: Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy. How was I supposed to know he'd **** us over?
Kumar: Yes. I think he did.
Harold: [starts screaming] You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!
Kumar: Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy. How was I supposed to know he'd **** us over?
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Harold: Do you know the show Doogie Howser, M.D.?
Palumbo: Great show. God I love that show. Doogie.
Harold: Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Palumbo: Hey! NPH wouldn't do that!
Palumbo: Great show. God I love that show. Doogie.
Harold: Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Palumbo: Hey! NPH wouldn't do that!