Most scenes together: Doug Chesnic & Tess Carlisle (3)
The regulations aren't really that sacred, are they? And Tess... Get in the god damn chair.
Hmm. Very good, Douglas. You're going to be all right.
I'll get the chair. [Doug gets the chair, but Earl takes off with Tess; yelling and screaming] HEY! STOP! HEY EARL STOP! [throws the chair on the ground] DAMN! [throws the chair on the ground again and walks to a station for a telephone]
Lee Danielson Office.
Are they back yet?
Lee Danielson Doug?
Yeah, Doug! Are they there?
Lee Danielson Who, Mrs. Carlisle?
Yes.
Lee Danielson No, they're not here! Aren't they with you?
Call everybody in, come get me.
Lee Danielson Nope! When did they take off?
2 and a 1/2 hours ago.
Lee Danielson Jesus.
Who's this? Tom, are they there? All right, call Sheriff Janson and the highway patrol, tell them they're out joyriding again. It's not a problem, but inform them that there's no security with Mrs. Carlisle, thanks. [hangs up cell phone]
Lee Danielson Washington?
No, not yet. We'll give them another hour. Goddamn her for this.
Where is she Earl?
Earl Speak to my lawyer Agent... Agent Dougie.
Frederick Just back to pick up your accoutrements?
Speak English Fred.
Frederick Just back to pick up your shit?
Sheriff Janson Uh-huh, well just hold on a minute, I'm gonna...Agent Chesnic, I'm gonna have to put you on the speaker.
Is there someone else in the room?
Sheriff Janson Oh no, no I just want to practice my putting while we're talking! What can I do for you?
Would you please put out an all-points for Mrs. Carlisle's automobile? It's a '92 Lincoln, Ohio plates, kilo-hotel-oscar 362. When last he was seen heading east on the Chester Exit of I-71.
Sheriff Janson Just hold everything! Have I got this right? Have you and the Secret Service boys gone and lost the president's wife again?
I don't believe there's any cause for concern here, she's with her driver, she's perfectly safe, but proper procedure requires us to notify you.
Sheriff Janson Of course it does, uh we'll get on this right now.
Sheriff Janson Agent Chesnic, uh Mrs. Carlisle is pretty slippery, isn't she? I mean for a senior citizen! Hello?
Does she want to be known today?
Don't know her! Don't know her! Don't know her!
Bob Yes ma'am. [over the radio] Uh, Doug, this is Bobby in canned goods, are you anywhere near the manager? I need a price check on Le Sueur baby peas, repeat, Le Sueurbaby peas.
Le Sueur baby peas.
They're on special today, two for .59.
They're on special today, two for .59.
Bob Uh, copy that, it's two for .59.
But I only want one.
Bob Uh, roger that, Doug, but she only wants one.
How much for just one?
The same. It's a two for one thing.
Uh, Bobby, it's a two for one thing so I suggest you go ahead and get both.
Bob Uh, copy that Doug but I believe we've lost in interest in peas, repeat, lost interest in peas. Canned goods out.
I have some exciting news for you. I have an inoperable brain tumor. [pause] I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher. [pause] We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?
When?
Do I still have any influence in that evil little town or have they forgotten all about me?
I'm a secret service agent, Mrs. Carlisle, not a caddy. You want that ball? I suggest you go get it yourself.
Since you've insisted on me staying, you should know I intend to do my job by the book which means we don't run errands, we don't make snacks and we don't check our guns at the door. Now if you don't like any of this, I suggest you call Washington and get yourself a new man.
The President is coming to Somersville. Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?
You should get a date, you should have a martini, you should drive with the top down, you should better yet give a tired old widow a break.
