Let me tell you how this will be. One for you, 19 for me. 'Cause I'm the taxman. Listen to me. I can't believe I'm quoting "The Taxman" to you. So lame. I really am turning into my dad. It's true what they say. When you meet a celebrity, your IQ drops 50 points.
Where am I?
It's just... You're a living legend. Stopping our shipment in Turkey, the assassination in Berlin and now this thing with Elena and the passcode. The boss talks about you all the time. You've become an obsession for him. "The Taxman killed Elena. The Taxman has the passcode. Oh, how I want to find and murder the Taxman." And now here you are.
No, no, I'm... I'm not a taxman. I'm a farmer. I came to London to surprise a girl, and these guys, they jumped me.
Textbook evasion. Frankly, a little disappointing, but the performance? Sublime. It's like you truly believe what you're saying.
Because I'm telling the truth. You have the wrong guy. My name is Cole Turner. My passport's right over there in the bag, in the front flap.
Sublime. It truly is an honor to torture you today. Whoa. Okay, just... just wait. Wait. Normally, I begin with the punching. Wait a minute. [Groaning] You see, it causes me a little pain too. I'm all about sharing the experience. My therapist says that I'm an empath, which means that I'm deeply attuned to others' feelings. But alas, the boss is in a real tizzy about the passcode. Are you familiar with the Schmidt sting pain index?
Wait, the what? Wait a minute.
It's a rating system for the pain caused by the bites and stings of insects. From the simple ouch of the western honeybee to the spray-and-pray of the Latin American bullet ant that you can see primed and ready in that box on the table. Spray-and-pray is short for "spray in your pants and pray for the merciful release of death."
Excuse me, sir, will you just grab that bag for me quickly? I promise, this is just a big misunderstanding...
Normally, we like to start slow and build our way up. But you are special, so we begin with the m*rder hornet.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
I don't know any passcode! I'm telling you, you have the wrong guy. My name is Cole Turner. Just look at the passport. It's right there in the bag.
Holy shit. Holy shit. Wait, wait... [blows] Oh, God. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [Screams]
Sadie
Can you walk?
What?
Sadie
Can you walk, Cole?
Sadie. [Sadie slaps him]
Sadie
Head down, mouth closed. Follow me before anyone sounds the alarm. Know how to use a gun?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But...
Sadie
Shoot anyone who's not me. Stay on my six. Let's go.
Sadie. Geez. [Grunts] Sadie, what the hell is going on? Who are these people?
Sadie
Bad guys. They set a trap for one of our agents, and you fell into it. [Spots approaching guards on surveillance screen] Agents.
Art agents? [Sadie trips Cole and finishes off two guards] Not an art agent. Got it. [Grunts] Sorry, there's a lot going on. Plus those guys drugged me. Who are you?!
Sadie
CIA. At least, until they find out about this fiasco. Keep moving.
My God, you're a spy! Do you actually know where you're going?
...
No, it's... It's the most amazing thing I've e... [pants] I'm so confused. They kept asking me about the Taxman.
Sadie
They asked you about the Taxman?
No, they think I am a Taxman.
Sadie
They think you're the Taxman? That the Taxman would actually fall for that lazy trap? They caught the Taxman, and it's you?
You're the Taxman!
Sadie
Oh, my God. [Walks off]
Oh, my God!
...
Sadie
You said you could shoot!
At tin cans, not people!
...
Art curator, my ass.
Sadie
I thought you were different too. Sweet, fun, low-maintenance. I can't believe I was gonna call you when I got back.
...
Were you really gonna call me when you got back?
Sadie
Yes, until you texted me 11 times in two days.
Seven. Emoji stuff doesn't count.
Sadie
Yes, it does. Emoji stuff counts. Move.
...
Sadie
Come on!
Where the hell are we?!
Sadie
Jump! Cole, come on!
I swallowed a rock!
Sadie
Keep going!
...
Sadie
Stop! Get off the bus.
You're never gonna make it through!
Sadie
We're not going that way!
Do you know what you're doing?! Have you done this before?!
Sadie
I'm gonna let you think yes!
I cannot believe you got me kidnapped and tortured all after one date!
Sadie
You're the one who flew to London!
Holy shit!
Sadie
You are unbelievable!
What?!
Sadie
You stalkered your way across the ocean to find me! That is not cactus behavior!
Don't use stalker as a verb! And it was a romantic gesture!
Sadie
I checked your records! You've never even left the country!
You checked my records?! Who's stalkering now?!
...
Sadie
Choke him out!
They usually tap.
Sadie
He's not going to tap. Just choke him out.
...
Sadie
Cole! Are you comfortable?!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
...
Sadie
Is that what I think it is?
It was meant to be a joke. [Sighs] It was a lot funnier before I used it to kill a man.
Sadie
Hey. Time to walk.
