N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Alice: Tell me something. Those two girls... at the party last night... Did you, by any chance... happen to... **** them?
Bill: What!? What, are you talking about?
Alice: I'm talking about the two girls that you were so blatantly hitting on.
Bill: I wasn't hitting on anybody.
Alice: Mmmmm. Who were they?
Bill: They were just a couple of models.
Alice: And where did you disappear to with them for so long?
Bill: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I didn't disappear... with anybody. Ziegler wasn't feeling too well... and I got called upstairs to see him. Anyway, who was the guy you were dancing with?
Alice: [laughs] A friend of the Ziegler's.
Bill: What did he want?
Alice: What did he want? Oh, what did he want? Mmmm, sex... upstairs. [chuckles] Then and there.
Bill: Is that all?
Alice: Yeah. Yeah, that was all.
Bill: Just wanted to **** my wife.
Alice: [laughs] That's right.
Bill: I guess that's understandable.
Alice: [confused] Understandable?
Bill: Because you are a very, very beautiful woman.
Alice: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. So... because I'm a beautiful woman, the only reason any man ever wants to talk to me... is because he wants to **** me? Is that what you're saying?
Bill: Well, I don't... think its quite that black and white. But... but I think we both know what men are like.
Alice: So, on that basis, I should conclude that you wanted to **** those two models?
Bill: There are exceptions.
Alice: And what makes you an exception?
Bill: What makes me an exception is that... I happen to be in love with you. And because we're married, and because I would never lie to you. Or hurt you.
Alice: Do you realize... that what you're saying is that the only reason you wouldn't **** those two models is out of consideration for me! Not because you really wouldn't want to!
Bill: Lets just relax, Alice. This pot is making you aggressive.
Alice: No! It's not the pot, it's you! Why can't you ever give me a straight ****ing answer!?
Bill: I was under the impression that's what I was doing. I don't even know who we're arguing about here.
Alice: I'm not arguing. I'm just trying to find out where you're coming from.
Bill: Where I'm coming from?
Alice: Look, uh... let's say... Let's say, for example, you have some gorgeous woman, standing, in your office, naked and you're feeling her ****ing tits. Now, what I want to know, I want to know what you're thinking about when you're squeezing them.
Bill: Alice, I happen to be a doctor. It's always very impersonal and you know there's always a nurse present.
Alice: So when you're feeling tits, it's nothing more than just your professionalism; is that what you're saying?
Bill: Exactly! Sex is the last thing on my mind when I'm with a patient.
Alice: Uh-huh. Now, when she is having her little titties squeezed, do you think she ever has any little fantasies about what handsome Dr. Bill's dickie might be like? Hmm?
Bill: [scoffs] Come on, I can assure you sex is the last thing on this hypothetical woman patient's mind!
Alice: And what makes you so sure?
Bill: If for no better reason... because she's afraid of what I might find.
Alice: Okay! Okay, so, so, so, after you tell her that everything's fine, what then?
Bill: What then? Uh... I don't know, Alice... um... What then? Uh... look... women don't... They basically, just don't think like that.
Alice: Millions of years of evolution, right? Right!? Men have to stick it in every place they can, but for women it's just about security, and commitment, and- and whatever the **** else!
Bill: A little oversimplified, Alice, but yes, something like that.
Alice: If you men only knew.
Bill: I'll tell you what I do know is you got a little stoned tonight, you've been trying to pick a fight with me, and now you're trying to make me jealous
Alice: But you're not the jealous type, are you?
Bill: No, I'm not!
Alice: You've never been jealous about me, have you?
Bill: No, I haven't.
Alice: And why haven't you ever been jealous about me!?
Bill: Well, I don't know, Alice! Maybe because you're my wife! Maybe because you're the mother of my child! And I know you would never be unfaithful to me.
Alice: You are very, very sure of yourself, aren't you?
Bill: No. I'm sure of you. [Alice bursts out laughing] Do you think that's funny? [she continues laughing] All right, **** it. Now we get the ****ing laughing fit, right!?
Alice: [stops laughing] Do you... do remember last summer at Cape Cod?
Bill: Yes.
Alice: Do you remember one night in the dining room, there was this young naval officer and he was sitting near our table with two other officers?
Bill: No.
Alice: The waiter brought him a message during dinner, at which point he left. Nothing rings a bell?
Bill: No.
Alice: Well... I first saw him that morning in the lobby. He was- he was checking into the hotel and he was following the bellboy with his luggage... to the elevator. He... he glanced at me as he walked past; just a glance. Nothing more. And I... could hardly... move. That afternoon, Helena went to the movie with her friend and... you and I made love. And we made plans about our future. And we talked about Helena. And yet, at no time, was he ever out of my mind. And I thought that if he wanted me, even if it was only... for one night... I was ready to give up everything. You. Helena. My whole ****ing future. Everything. And yet it was weird because at the same time, you were dearer to me than ever. And... and at that moment, my love for you was both... tender... and sad. I... I barely slept that night. And I woke up the next morning in a panic. I don’t know if I was afraid that he had left or that he might still be there. But by dinner... I realized he was gone. And I was relieved.

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