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Cheech: Hey, it's about time, man. [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside] Hey, what do you got? Hey, give me some.
Chong: What?
Cheech: Give a drink, man. Come on, man, you drink it.
Chong: What, this?
Cheech: Yeah.
Chong: Oh, go ahead, man. Help yourself. [hands him the jar]
Cheech: Wait a minute... [sniffs the inside] Hey, man, that's pee!
Chong: No kidding.
Cheech: What are you doing with pee?
Chong: That's for my probation officer, man.
Cheech: What, does he drink pee?
Chong: No, man. Last week, I was supposed to bring some in, you know.
Cheech: Yeah?
Chong: But I forgot to wash out the jar first, so he sees that mayonnaise floatin' around, and he'll think I'm on some kind of weird drug again, and I'm really gonna **** with his mind this time, man.
Cheech: Yeah, what did you do?
Chong: Have my SISTER pee in it.
Cheech: [laughs it out] Your sister?
Chong: Yeah, she's pregnant!
[Both laugh]
Cheech: Hey, did she get the weed?
Chong: No, she's out of it, man. We're just waiting on some from Columbia.
Chong: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
Gloria's Mom: [while driving] Watch the road.
Cheech: Okay, where's it gonna go?
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech] Hey, fella, you need a pass.
Cheech: [covered in ashes after the car explosion] Oh, uh... I'm with the Towering Inferno, man.
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech after leaving in a van] Hey, fella, your pass?
Cheech: Pass? Oh, thanks a lot, man.
[After shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint]
Chong: You got a light, man?
Cheech: Huh? Oh yeah, here. [hands him a lighter] Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man.
Chong: Why?
Cheech: Ah, these gas fumes, man.
Chong: Oh man. '[flicks the lighter]
Cheech: I don't know. [the inside of the car explodes]
Cheech: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?
Chong: Okay.
Cheech: When you see a friend, you say "Hey, how's it going, Pendejo?"
Chong: "Hey, how's it going, Pendecko?"
Cheech: ...Yeah, that's close enough.
Chong: What does that mean, man?
Cheech: Oh, it means my really good friend.
Chong: "How's it going, Pend... Pen..." How was that, again?
Cheech: Pendejo.
Chong: Pendecko.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horseshit! How are you? Goddamn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man?
Chong: Good, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: I haven't seen you in ten years, man!
Chong: I'm not Cheech, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: What?
Chong: I'm Cheech's friend Chong.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
Desk Clerk: [on phone with police] Look, this is the real thing this time! There are two crazies running around tearing the place up! I already told you our location! ERRRGH! Well, what are they doing, walking over here? Look, I think they're Iranians!... okay, thanks very much.
Pee-wee Herman: Hey, you guys look a little familiar to me!
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Hey, you smell kinda familiar.
Pee-wee Herman: Ha, ha, ha. I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, if you don't mind! If you think it's so easy, why don't you come up here and do it?
Gloria's Mom: Yeah, go up there and tell a joke!
Pee-wee Herman: That's right! You come up here and do it!
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Okay!
Chong: Yeah, man!
Pee-wee Herman: **** this. I'm going somewhere else. Hey, hey, here! [gives Red the finger and storms off]
Chong: You're driving like an idiot, man.
Cheech: I just can't get used to these automatics, man.
Chong: Yeah, they are real complicated, aren't they?
Chong: What?
Cheech: Give a drink, man. Come on, man, you drink it.
Chong: What, this?
Cheech: Yeah.
Chong: Oh, go ahead, man. Help yourself. [hands him the jar]
Cheech: Wait a minute... [sniffs the inside] Hey, man, that's pee!
Chong: No kidding.
Cheech: What are you doing with pee?
Chong: That's for my probation officer, man.
Cheech: What, does he drink pee?
Chong: No, man. Last week, I was supposed to bring some in, you know.
Cheech: Yeah?
Chong: But I forgot to wash out the jar first, so he sees that mayonnaise floatin' around, and he'll think I'm on some kind of weird drug again, and I'm really gonna **** with his mind this time, man.
Cheech: Yeah, what did you do?
Chong: Have my SISTER pee in it.
Cheech: [laughs it out] Your sister?
Chong: Yeah, she's pregnant!
[Both laugh]
Cheech: Hey, did she get the weed?
Chong: No, she's out of it, man. We're just waiting on some from Columbia.
Chong: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
Gloria's Mom: [while driving] Watch the road.
Cheech: Okay, where's it gonna go?
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech] Hey, fella, you need a pass.
Cheech: [covered in ashes after the car explosion] Oh, uh... I'm with the Towering Inferno, man.
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech after leaving in a van] Hey, fella, your pass?
Cheech: Pass? Oh, thanks a lot, man.
[After shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint]
Chong: You got a light, man?
Cheech: Huh? Oh yeah, here. [hands him a lighter] Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man.
Chong: Why?
Cheech: Ah, these gas fumes, man.
Chong: Oh man. '[flicks the lighter]
Cheech: I don't know. [the inside of the car explodes]
Cheech: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?
Chong: Okay.
Cheech: When you see a friend, you say "Hey, how's it going, Pendejo?"
Chong: "Hey, how's it going, Pendecko?"
Cheech: ...Yeah, that's close enough.
Chong: What does that mean, man?
Cheech: Oh, it means my really good friend.
Chong: "How's it going, Pend... Pen..." How was that, again?
Cheech: Pendejo.
Chong: Pendecko.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horseshit! How are you? Goddamn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man?
Chong: Good, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: I haven't seen you in ten years, man!
Chong: I'm not Cheech, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: What?
Chong: I'm Cheech's friend Chong.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
Desk Clerk: [on phone with police] Look, this is the real thing this time! There are two crazies running around tearing the place up! I already told you our location! ERRRGH! Well, what are they doing, walking over here? Look, I think they're Iranians!... okay, thanks very much.
Pee-wee Herman: Hey, you guys look a little familiar to me!
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Hey, you smell kinda familiar.
Pee-wee Herman: Ha, ha, ha. I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, if you don't mind! If you think it's so easy, why don't you come up here and do it?
Gloria's Mom: Yeah, go up there and tell a joke!
Pee-wee Herman: That's right! You come up here and do it!
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Okay!
Chong: Yeah, man!
Pee-wee Herman: **** this. I'm going somewhere else. Hey, hey, here! [gives Red the finger and storms off]
Chong: You're driving like an idiot, man.
Cheech: I just can't get used to these automatics, man.
Chong: Yeah, they are real complicated, aren't they?
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[singing] Mexican Americans / love education / so they go to night school / and take Spanish / and get a B.
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[to a girl on the phone] You wanna come over to my place? Okay, I'll be here with balls on.
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[waiting on date to arrive] Man, hurry up, bitch. I got lots of shit to do. Shit. If that bitch doesn't hurry up and get here, I'll have to wait some more.
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Hey, that's a pretty nice car, man. Better get it back to the circus before they find out it's gone.
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Holy sheep shit! It's guitar heaven!
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Man, if you had a second brain, it would die of loneliness, man.
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Responsibility is a heavy responsibility!
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Shit, man. I'm gonna be late for work again. That's the fifth time this week, and it's only Tuesday, man.
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Somebody ripped off the thing I ripped off!