2nd most-quoted character in The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957): in 14 of its 39 quotes
Most scenes with: Maj. Warden (3), Col. Nicholson (2)
Here lies Corporal Herbert Thompson, serial number 01234567, valiant member of the King's own, and Queen's own, or something, who died of beriberi in the year of our Lord 1943. For the greater glory of...[pause] what did he die for?...I don't mock the grave or the man. May he rest in peace. He found little enough of it while he was alive.
Cmdr. Shears Mostly Aussies, some Lime, some British, Indians, Burmese, Siamese...They died, of malaria, dysentery, beriberi, gangrene. Other causes of death: famine, overwork, bullet wounds, snake bites, Saito. And then there were some who just got tired of living.
Cmdr. Shears Don't bother about me, Colonel. I'm not anxious to get off the sick list.
Cmdr. Shears I can think of a lot of things to call Saito, but reasonable, that's a new one.
Cmdr. Shears You give me powders, pills, baths, injections, enemas - when all I need is love.
Cmdr. Shears He had the guts of a maniac. They were about to shoot him and he didn't bat an eye.
Cmdr. Shears No you don't understand! He's got the kind of guts that could get us all killed.
Cmdr. Shears We're going to be a busy pair of gravediggers.
Shears Those new prisoners see us diggin' graves, they might all run away.
Kanematsu No time for jokes. Finish work...Dig dig.
Shears Oh, I'd say the odds against a successful escape are about 100 to 1...But may I add another word, Colonel...The odds against survival in this camp are even worse. You've seen the graveyard. There you realize. You give up hope of escape. To even stop thinking about it is like accepting a death sentence.
Why haven't you tried to escape, Commander?
Shears Oh, I've been biding my time, waiting for the right moment, the right company.
I understand how you feel. Of course, it's normally the duty of a captured soldier to attempt escape. But my men and I are involved in a curious legal point of which you are unaware. In Singapore, we were ordered to surrender by Command Headquarters, ordered, mind you. Therefore, in our case, escape might well be an infraction of military law. Interesting?
Yes, interesting point.
Shears I'm sorry sir. I didn't quite follow you. You mean you intend to uphold the letter of the law, no matter what it costs.
Without law, Commander, there is no civilization.
Shears Well see, that's my point. Here, there is no civilization.
Then, we have the opportunity to introduce it. I suggest that we drop the subject of escape.
I want everything to go off without a hitch starting first thing tomorrow morning. And remember this: our men must always feel they are still commanded by us and not by the Japanese. So long as they have that idea to cling to, they'll be soldiers and not slaves.
Shears I hope they can remain soldiers, Colonel. As for me, I'm just a slave, a living slave.
Naturally, we're going to try to prevent them. It's too far for bombers to carry an adequate load so we shall have to go in and smash it up on the ground.
Shears How are you going to get there?
Parachute drop and then march.
Shears With demolition equipment through that jungle??
Yes. Our chief problem is lack of first-hand knowledge. You see, none of us have ever been there.
Shears Well, I don't want to discourage you Major, but uh...
It should be interesting. Colonel Green has given me the Kwai Bridge. I'm gonna take a team in and blow it up.
Shears Lucky you...Look Major, I don't want to be rude, but I've got a luncheon date in Colombo at two and she's beautiful, so if there are any questions...
...Well, there is only one question, actually. How would you feel about going back?
Shears Come again?
I know under the circumstances it's a bit much but you see, you do have a unique knowledge for our purpose, and we'd love to have you with us.
Shears You mean to tell me that that's why you brought me here? To ask me this?
Oh frankly, yes.
Shears Major, I just got out of there. My escape was a miracle. Even your people said so, and now you want me to go back. Don't be ridiculous.
All this is very embarrassing, I...
Shears Oh let's stop kidding around. I can't go back. I don't belong to you. I belong to the American Navy.
Yes, of course. Colonel Green has already taken the matter up with your people.
Shears With my people?
Yes. Your Navy's turned you over to us. The signal arrived yesterday morning from your C-in-C Pacific, authorizing your temporary transfer of duty to Force 316.
Shears They can't do this to me.
I'm afraid they have. It was awfully difficult. I didn't know how to break it to you.
Shears No, but they can't do this to me. I really mean it. My Navy's made a mistake...Look, I'm not a Navy Commander, I'm, I'm not even an Officer...No, the whole thing's a fake. I'm just an ordinary swab jockey second class...When the Houston sunk, I made it ashore with an officer, a real commander. Later, we ran into a Japanese patrol and he was killed. I figured it was just a matter of time before I was captured so...
...so you changed uniforms with a dead man.
Shears I thought officers would get better treatment in prison camps.
Very sensible.
Shears Not that it did me any good because at Saito's camp, the officers work along with the rest.
Yes, there's always the unexpected, isn't there?
Shears I kinda got used to being a commander and so when I arrived here at the hospital, I took a look at the enlisted men's ward and I took a look at the officer's ward and I said to myself, 'Well, let's let it ride along for a while.' There were certain definite advantages.
Yes, I saw one of them on the beach.
Shears Anyway, that's the whole story. And the point of it is that you can't use me. You want an officer for your team - an American Commander named Shears and he doesn't exist. When the Navy Brass learns the truth about me, they'll say: 'Send him home in arms for impersonating an officer,' or something like that. Once that happens, I've got it made.
Got it what?
Shears Made...I'll apply for a medical discharge. I'll tell 'em that I impersonated an officer because I went off my rocker in the jungle. I'm getting worse, you know. Sometimes, I think I'm Admiral Halsey.
Well, it's quite a clever plan.
Shears It's not only clever, it's foolproof. When my Navy finds out who I am, those temporary orders you got won't be worth the paper they're written on.
We've known about your actual rank for nearly a week. In one sense, you're a blasted hero for making an escape through the jungle. But at the same time, they can't very well bring you home and give you the Navy Cross for impersonating an officer, can they? I suppose that's why they were so happy to hand you over to us. You see?
Shears Hot potato.
As far as your present rank is concerned, we're fairly informal about those things in Force 316. So you'll have a simulated rank of Major.
Shears Simulated Major. That figures. Well, as long as I'm hooked, I might as well volunteer.
You'll go on without me. That's an order. You're in command now, Shears.
Shears You make me sick with your heroics. There's a stench of death about ya. You carry it in your pack like the plague. Explosives and L pills. They go well together, don't they? And with you, it's just one thing or the other: 'Destroy a bridge or destroy yourself.' This is just a game, this war. You and that Colonel Nicholson, you're two of a kind. Crazy with courage. For what? How to die like a gentleman. How to die by the rules when the only important thing is how to live like a human being. I'm not going to leave you here to die, Warden, because I don't care about your bridge and I don't care about your rules. If we go on, we go on together.
