Well, how do they start a war?

Well, one country offends another.

How could one country offend another? You mean there's a mountain over in Germany gets mad at a field over in France?

Well, stupid. One people offends another.

Oh, that's it. I shouldn't be here at all. I don't feel offended.

It don't apply to tramps like you.

Good. Then I can be going home right away...The Kaiser and me...Me and the Kaiser felt just alike about this war. We didn't neither of us want any war, so I'm going home. He's there already.

Somebody must have wanted it. Maybe it was the English. No, I don't want to shoot any Englishman. I never saw one 'til I came up here. And I suppose most of them never saw a German 'til they came up here. No, I'm sure they weren't asked about it.

Well, it must be doing somebody some good.

Not me and the Kaiser.

I think maybe the Kaiser wanted a war.

You leave us out of this.

I don't see that. The Kaiser's got everything he needs.

Well, he never had a war before. Every full-grown Emperor needs one war to make him famous. Why, that's history.

Yeah, Generals too. They need war.

And manufacturers. They get rich.

Nobody wants it in particular. And then all at once, here it is. We didn't want it. The English didn't want it. And here we are fighting.

I'll tell ya how it should all be done. Whenever there's a big war comin' on, you should rope off a big field.

And sell tickets.

Yeah, and, and, on the big day, you should take all the kings and their cabinets and their generals, put them in the center dressed in their underpants and let 'em fight it out with clubs. The best country wins.