Charlie Allnut There ain't nobody in Africa except yours truly who can get up a good head of steam on the old African Queen.
Most-quoted character in The African Queen (1952): in 28 of its 37 quotes
Most scenes with: Rose Sayer (14), German captain (13)
'What an absurd idea!' Lady, you got ten absurd ideas for my one.
More lines from Charlie Allnut
13 quotes Charlie Allnut Charlie Allnut Just listen to this stomach of mine. Way it sounds, you'd think I had a hyena inside me...Ain't a thing I can do about it.
Charlie Allnut Kickin' it starts it workin' again. I gotta act fast 'cause one of my boys dropped a screwdriver down the safety valve...If I was to let the engine die goin' down the rapid, we'd be goners...You know, I'm gonna do that [fix it] one of these days. The only reason I ain't done it up to now is that I kinda like kickin' it. She's all I've got.
Charlie Allnut Ooooh! Coward yourself! You ain't no lady. No, Miss. That's what my poor old Mother would say to you, if my poor old Mother was to hear you. Whose boat is this, anyway? I asked you on board 'cause I was sorry for you on account of your losing your brother and all. What you get for feeling sorry for people! Well, I ain't sorry no more, you crazy, psalm-singing, skinny old maid!
Charlie Allnut [to Rose, as she is emptying his gin into the river]
Oh, Miss. Oh, have pity, Miss. You don't know what you're doing Miss. I'll perish without a hair of the dog. Oh Miss, it ain't your property.
Charlie Allnut Ah, it's a great thing to have a lady aboard with clean habits. It sets the man a good example. A man alone, he gets to living like a hog. Then, too, with me, it's always: 'Put things off. Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.' But with you: 'Business before pleasure.' Every time. Do all your personal laundry, make yourself spic and span, get all the mending out of the way and then - and only then - sit down for a nice quiet hour with the Good Book. I tell you, it's a model - like an inspiration. Why, I ain't had this old engine so clean in years, inside and out. Just look at her, Miss. She actually practically sparkles. Myself, too. Guess you ain't never had a look at me without my whiskers and all cleaned up. I bet you wouldn't hardly recognize me, works that much of a change. Freshens you up, too. If I only had some clean clothes, like you. Now you - why you could be at high tea. Say, that's an idea, Miss. How's about a nice little cup of tea? Now don't you stir, I'll be glad to make it for you.
Charlie Allnut Are you cracked? The currents down there are fierce. I don't want a drowned woman on my hands. What will you be thinking of next?
Charlie Allnut Pinch me, Rosie. Here we are, going down the river like Anthony and Cleopatra on that barge! I'll never forget the way you looked going over the falls - head up, chin out, hair blowing in the wind - the living picture of a hero-eyne!
Charlie Allnut What a time we've had, Rosie. What a time. We'll never lack for stories to tell our grandchildren, will we?
Charlie Allnut What I said about having to get out and carry this old boat was meant to be a joke. It don't look like a joke now.
Charlie Allnut If there's anything in the world I hate, it's leeches - filthy little devils!
Charlie Allnut [about The African Queen]
She ought to look her best, representing as she does the Royal Navy.
Charlie Allnut Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.
Scenes with Charlie Allnut
14 scenes Charlie What harm could anyone do the Germans in this god-forsaken place?
God has not forsaken this place, Mr. Allnut, as my brother's presence here bears witness.
Charlie Oh, no offense, Miss.
War.
Charlie Yeah, yeah it looks like it.
Charlie So far so good. Here we are safe and sound, as you might say. The question is, 'What next?'
Quite.
Charlie We've got heaps of grubs here, Miss. We're all right as far as that goes. 2,000 cigarettes, 2 cases of gin. Ha, ha. We could stay here for months if we wanted to. It's not a bad place to sit out a war...All the comforts of home including running water.
We simply can't remain here in this backwater until the war is over, Mr. Allnut.
Charlie Can't we, Miss? You got the map. Show me a way out and I'll take it.
The British will certainly launch an attack. The only question is which way will they come.
Charlie Rapids. A hundred miles of water like it was coming out of a fire hose. And after that, why, the rivers even got a different name. It's called the Bora. That goes to show ya. They didn't even know it was the same river until this fella Spengler got...
He got down it, I remember.
Charlie Well, yes, Miss, in a dugout canoe. He had a half a dozen Swahili paddlers. Map makin' he was. That was his map you was looking at.
Mr. Allnut?...What did you say is in these boxes with the red lines on them?
Charlie Well them? That's blastin' gelatine, Miss.
Is it dangerous?
Charlie Bless you, no, Miss. That's safety stuff, that is. You can get it wet and it don't do it any harm. You set fire to it and it just burns. You can hit it with a hammer and it won't go off - at least I don't think it will. It takes a detonator to set it off. I'll put it over the side, though, if it worries you.
No, we may want it. Mr. Allnut?...What are these long, round, torpedo-like things?
Charlie Oh them? Them's oxygen and hydrogen cylinders, Miss.
Mr. Allnut?
Charlie I'm still right here, Miss. There ain't much of any other place I could be on a thirty-foot boat, ha, ha, ha.
You're a machinist, aren't you? I mean, wasn't that your position at the mine?
Charlie Yes, a kind of a fixer. A jack of all trades, a master of none, like they say.
Could you make a torpedo?
Charlie How's that, Miss?
Could you make a torpedo?
Charlie A torpedo?...You don't really know what you're askin'. You see, there ain't nothin' so complicated as the inside of a torpedo. It's got gyroscopes, compressed air chambers, compensating cylinders...
But all those things, those gyroscopes and things, they're only to make it go, aren't they?
Charlie Yeah. Yeah, go and hit what it's aimed at.
Well, we've got The African Queen.
Charlie How's that, Miss?
If we were to fill those cylinders with that blasting gelatine and then fix them so that they would stick out over the end of the boat, and then run the boat against the side of a ship, they would go off just like a torpedo, wouldn't they?...We could, what do you call it, get a good head of steam up, and then point the launch toward a ship and just before she hits, we could dive off. Couldn't we?
Charlie There's only one little thing wrong with your idea. There ain't nothin' to torpedo.
Oh yes there is.
Charlie There's what?
Something to torpedo.
Charlie What's that?
The Louisa.
Charlie The Louisa! Oh now, don't talk silly, Miss. You can't do that. Honest you can't. I told you before, we can't get down the Ulanga!
Spengler did.
Charlie In a canoe, Miss.
If a German did it, we can do it, too.
Charlie Not in no launch, Miss.
How do you know? You've never tried it.
Charlie I never tried shooting myself in the head, neither. The trouble with you, Miss, is, you, you don't know anything about boats!
In other words, you are refusing to help your country in her hour of need, Mr. Allnut?
Charlie All right, Miss, have it your own way. But don't blame me for what happened.
Charlie I don't blame you for being scared, Miss, not one little bit. Ain't no person in their right mind ain't scared of white water.
I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating.
Charlie How's that, Miss?
I've only known such excitement a few times before - a few times in my dear brother's sermons when the spirit was really upon him.
Charlie You mean you want to go on?
Naturally.
Charlie Miss, you're crazy.
I beg your pardon.
Charlie You know what would have happened if we would have come up against one of them rocks?
But we didn't. I must say I'm filled with admiration for your skill, Mr. Allnut. Do you suppose I'll try practice steering a bit that someday I might try? I can hardly wait...Now that I've had a taste of it. I don't wonder you love boating, Mr. Allnut.
Charlie Uh, how's the Book, Miss?
Charlie [no answer]
Well, not that I ain't read it, that is to say, my poor old Mum used to read me stories out of it.
Charlie [no answer]
How's about reading it out loud?
Charlie [no answer]
I could sure do with a little spiritual comfort myself.
[no answer] Charlie': And you call yourself a Christian! Do you hear me? Don't ya? Don't ya? [yelling] Huh?
Charlie [no answer]
What ya being so mean for, Miss? A man takes a drop too much once and a while, it's only human nature.
Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above.
Charlie Miss, I'm sorry. I apologize. What more can a man do than say he's sorry, huh? You done paid me back, Miss. You didn't even leave me a drop. Miss, have a heart. Fair is fair. You gotta say somethin', I don't care what it is, but you gotta say something. I'll be honest with ya, Miss. I, I just can't stand no more of this. I-I just ain't used to it, that's all.
So you think it was your nasty drunkenness I minded.
Charlie Well, what else?
You promised you'd go down the river.
Charlie Miss. Listen to me and try to understand. There's death a dozen times over down the river. I'm sorry to disappoint ya, but don't blame me. Blame the Ulanga.
You promised.
Charlie [shouting]
Well, I'm taking my promise back.
Charlie [no answer]
All right, Miss. You win. As the crocodiles will be glad to hear, 'Down the river we go.'
Have some breakfast, Mr. Allnut...Or no. Get up steam. Breakfast can wait.
Charlie [pointing to crocodiles]
Waiting for their supper, Miss.
Don't be worried, Mr. Allnut.
Charlie Oh, I ain't worried, Miss. Gave myself up for dead back where we started.
Do you recognize these flowers, Mr. Allnut?
Charlie Huh?
I've never seen them before.
Charlie Well, I can't say as I have either.
Perhaps no one has. I don't suppose they even have a name.
Charlie Whether they have or not, they sure are pretty.
Then you think we can do it?
Charlie Do it? Of course we can do it! Nothin' a man can't do if he believes in himself. Never say die, that's my motto.
I've had misgivings. I was beginning to think that the whole thing was a mistake...I had a moment of weakness.
Charlie Oh, if you're feeling weak, a day or two more here won't make any difference.
Oh no. We'll go on. Thank heaven for your strength, Charlie.
Charlie We're finished.
I know it.
Charlie I'm not one bit sorry I came. What I mean is, it was worth it.
Dear Lord, we've come to the end of our journey. In a little while, we will stand before You. I pray for You to be merciful. Judge us not for our weakness but for our love, and open the doors of heaven for Charlie and me.
This air! Isn't it wonderful?
Charlie Yeah, it's like - I know you don't approve, but it's like a shot of gin. It makes your blood race, your face numb and your spirits soar.
Who do you think you are ordering me about?
Charlie I'm the captain that's who! And I'm ain't taking you along. You'd only be in my way.
I suppose I was in your way going down the rapids. Then what you said to me back there on the river was a lie about how you never could have done it alone and how you lost your heart and everything. You liar! Oh, Charlie, we're having our first quarrel.
Charlie All right. It'll be you at the tiller and me at the engine, just like it was from the start.
What kind of craziness is this?
Charlie Aw come on, Captain, it'll only take a minute, and it'll mean such a lot to the lady.
Very well, if you wish it absolutely. What are the names again?
Charlie Charles.
Rosie. Rose.
Do you, Charles, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Charlie Yes, sir.
Do you, Rose, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
By the authority vested in me by Kaiser Wilhelm II, I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.
Charlie What happened?
We did it, Charlie, we did it!
Charlie But how?
Charlie Well, what do you think...you all right, Mrs. Allnut?
Wonderful, simply wonderful. And you, Mr. Allnut?
Charlie Pretty good, for an old married man.
I'm all twisted around, Charlie. Which way is the east shore?
Charlie The way we're swimming toward, old girl.
Charlie Allnut Well, Miss, ‘ere we are, everything ship shape, like they say. Ah, it's a great thing to have a lady aboard with clean habits. It sets the man a good example. A man alone, he gets to livin' like a hog. Ha, ha. Then, too, with me, it's always: 'Put things off. Never do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow.' But with you: 'Business before pleasure.' Every time. Do all your personal laundry. Make yourself spic-and-span, get all the mending out of the way, and then - and only then - sit down for a nice quiet hour with the Good Book. I tell you, it's a model - like an inspiration. Why, I ain't had this old engine so clean in years, inside and out. Ha, ha. Just look at her, Miss. See how she practically sparkles. Myself, too. Guess you ain't never had a look at me without my whiskers and all cleaned up. I bet you wouldn't hardly recognize me, works that much of a change. Freshens ya up, too. If I only had some clean clothes, like you. Now you - why you could be at high tea. Say, that's an idea, Miss. How's about a nice little cup of tea? Now don't you stir, I'll be glad to make it for you.
Charlie Allnut [silence]
Uh, how's the Book, Miss? [no answer] Well, not that I ain't read it. That is to say, my poor old Mum used to read me stories out of it. [no answer] How's about reading it out loud? [silence] I could sure do with a little spiritual comfort, myself. [Yelling at her] And you call yourself a Christian! Do you hear me? Don't ya? Don't ya? Huh? What ya being so mean for, Miss? A man takes a drop too much once in a while. It's only human nature.
Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above.
Charlie Allnut Miss, I'm sorry. I apologize. What more can a man do than say he's sorry, huh? [no answer] You done paid me back, Miss. You didn't even leave me a drop. Miss, have a heart. Fair is fair. You gotta say somethin', I don't care what it is, but you gotta say something. I'll be honest with ya, Miss. I, I just can't stand no more of this. I-I just ain't used to it, that's all.
