Bart Collins's lines
1 quote
Bart Collins [singing "Because We're Kids"]
Now just because we're kids
Because we're sort of small
Because we're closer to the ground
And you are bigger pound by pound
You have no right, you have no right
To push and shove us little kids around...
Now just because your throat has got a deeper voice
And lots of wind to blow it out
At little kids who dare not shout
You have no right, you have no right
To boss and beat us little kids about...
Just because you've whiskers on your face to shave
You treat us like a slave...
So what? It's only hair.
Just because you wear a wallet near your heart
You think you're twice as smart.
You know that isn't fair...
But we'll grow up someday, and when we do I pray,
We won't just grow in size and sound,
And just be bigger pound by pound...
I'd hate to grow, like some I know,
Who push and shove us little kids around.
Scenes with Bart Collins
9 scenes
Bart Collins Well, that's my problem. Dr. Terwilliker's the only enemy I've got. I can't think of one nice thing to say about him, because there isn't any!
C Mrs. Collins
[calling from the kitchen]
Bart, darling!
Bart Collins That's my mother. I like her. I try to be everything she wants me to be, particularly since my father died. But boy, she's as hipped on the piano as Dr. Terwilliker - watch!
Bart Collins How much are you being paid overtime?
Bart Collins Two thousand WHAT?
Two thousand pastoolas. Dr. Terwilliker doesn't pay me in American money - he keeps that for himself. He pays me in pastoolas.
Bart Collins What are pastoolas?
If you must know, the currency here is a little strange. First of all, in the small money comes the drakmids. At the regular, normal rate of exchange, there are 59 drakmids to one silver zlobeck.
Bart Collins "Zlobeck"?
Three silver zlobecks make one golden kratchmuk. A pastoola normally is, uh, 44,000 kratchmuks. But these, they tell me, are not normal times...
Bart Collins Pastoolas, kratchmuks... How much do you get American?
Precisely twenty bucks. Show me a better job, and I'll take it.
[after hearing Bart practice]
That's not bad. But not good! You're still not loud enough, still not fast enough! Rhythm still off, still misses the beats!
Bart Collins What?
Well, it takes time. It takes years! [smiles] Sometimes it actually does take forever.
Bart Collins What?
Well, my little watch tells me that's all we can hope to do today. Tomorrow however, oh tomorrow, what a day! At 6 AM sharp, all the others will arrive!
Bart Collins What others?
Well, I say, you don't think I built this great piano just for you! Have you no concept that I am on the eve of my greatest triumph? Tomorrow, I will fulfill the dream of my lifetime! Tomorrow, the Terwilliker Institute - my Happy Finger Institute! Tomorrow we will celebrate the official grand opening! Tomorrow, down below me, I will have five hundred little boys - five thousand little fingers! And they'll be mine, all mine! Practicing 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!
Bart Collins I- I don't believe it! This is crazy!
And who are you to tell me what is crazy? Away! Go back your cell! And put on your official Terwilliker beanie!
Bart Collins I don't think the piano is my instrument.
What other instruments are there, pray tell? Scratchy violins, screechy piccolos, nauseating trumpets, et cetera, et cetera?
Bart Collins See? Now do you believe me?
We should always believe children. We should even believe their lies.
Bart Collins Say, I've gotta get out of here.
Relax, don't take these little things so seriously. After all, seeing as how your mother's here...
Bart Collins My mother's here?
That's a silly question. You know perfectly well she's in the Number 2 spot.
Bart Collins The Number 2 spot?
Second in charge of the whole Happy Finger racket.
Bart Collins My mom couldn't be mixed up in any racket!
Look, partner: I hate to speak badly about mothers, after all, motherhood is the noblest institution in our land. But the fact remains that your ma is in the Number 2 spot. At headquarters right now.
Bart Collins She wouldn't keep me in a place like this! I gotta see her!
I wouldn't advise it. You'll never make it.
Bart Collins I can try!
Bart Collins I know. All you'd ever try for is time and a half for overtime.
Stroogo Now I don't recollect your features, do I?
Bart Collins No...
Stroogo [looks in his book]
You a piccolo player?
Bart Collins No.
Stroogo Trombone player?
Bart Collins No.
Stroogo Violin player?
Bart Collins No, a... piano player.
Stroogo [shuts his book]
Then you have no right in this particular dungeon! This is reserved exclusive for non-piano players!
Bart Collins Non-piano players?
Stroogo For them what play all other instruments! One by one, Dr. Terwilliker catches them, brings them down here and locks them up! Pretty soon there'll be no musicians left in this world, except for them what play the piano! I'm taking you back to Dr. Terwilliker!
Bart Collins [crawling out of an air vent]
Jeepers, am I glad to see you!
Will you get out of there, you scared the daylights out of me Bart! What are you doing? Simmer down, will you what's up?
Bart Collins They're after me!
Bart Collins Practically everybody!
Bart Collins I'm in terrible trouble!
So, everyone gets into trouble. Everyone in the world, the king of Persia sometimes even gets into trouble. But the king of Persia, does he come crawling out of my air vent? Not at all! The king of Persia - he stays in Persia.
C Mrs. Collins
[answering the phone]
Collins speaking. No madam, most definitely not, your son will not be allowed to bring his baseball. Dr. Terwilliker does not believe in baseballs, golf balls, basketballs or tennis balls, ping-pong balls, snowballs, croquet balls or hockey pucks. Dr. Terwilliker believes only in the piano!
Other characters in The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
