Wedding Crashers quotes

View Quote John: No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy: Yeah, well the proper girl in the hat just eye ****ed the shit out of me.
[the guests in front of them turn and look at Jeremy]
John: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Jeremy: Look, John, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a ****s man.
[they turn around again]
John: Tourette's.

View Quote Jeremy: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John, I'm fried.
John: Soft mattress?
Jeremy: Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John: Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
Jeremy: I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.

View Quote John: Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or ****ing human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy: I mean like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

View Quote Todd: I want my painting back.
Jeremy: Your painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

View Quote Janice: Why do you need this?
Jeremy: I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Janice: Okay, that's not creepy.
Jeremy: I guess it is a little creepy, when a young man, who happens to be an only child, loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday and then has his best friend make a vow that he will never spend his birthday alone. Yea, maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
Janice: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Jeremy: That's okay.
Janice: No, you're really sweet. I've got the perfect girl for you.
Jeremy: Ahh, Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there you're wondering "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while your just really want to know are we going to get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions. And perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, or "Ouch, ouch, you're on my hair."
Janice: Okay.
Jeremy: Okay, could you, could you put that so he--he can't see it. Thank you. Hey Janice, great talk.

View Quote Jeremy: (confesses to a priest) She's good. I mean, I believed that she was a virgin and it hurts to be lied to like that. It's a horrible feeling to feel that way. But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too, so could I really feel that bad? It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So fair play. And let's be honest with each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straight-jacket, this broad is ****ed three ways towards the weekend, and you want to know what? I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah, it turns me on! Because you want to know what the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a little ****ing crazy! That's right, maybe Jeremy is a little nuts! And there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface. Man, I had a little imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other everyday and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win.
Priest: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Jeremy: And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that, but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know! But I know when that red-head starts getting kooky, there's something about me that feels alive inside. Diggin' talking with ya. You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about you. Think you're a special special man. Come in for the real thing. Get in here for the real thing. (kisses the priest) I love you, you're a sweet man.
Priest: Dear God!

View Quote Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

View Quote Rule #51 - Always pull out in time.

View Quote Rule #54 - Avoid virgins. They're too clingy.

View Quote Grow up Peter Pan; Count Chocula!

View Quote There he is, the big guy!

View Quote I don't even know what the **** a quail is!

View Quote I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a ****ing race horse.

View Quote Rule number 76. No excuses. Play like a champion.

View Quote You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!