Tommy Boy quotes

View Quote Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space, I swear to God, you're worthless!

View Quote Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.

View Quote Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a ****. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

View Quote Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!
Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]
Tommy: [singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before!
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?

View Quote Reservationist: Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
Reservationist: I don't think so.

View Quote Kids: Hey Gilligan did you eat the skipper?!

View Quote Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

View Quote Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard: Yah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people who go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know. They're called doctors.

View Quote Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.

View Quote Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.

View Quote It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

View Quote Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?

View Quote Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.

View Quote Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner...

View Quote You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz i'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!