Tommy Boy

Tommy Boy quotes

46 total quotes (ID: 586)

Multiple Characters
Richard Hayden
Tommy Callahan


Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard: Yah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people who go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know. They're called doctors.


Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!
Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]
Tommy: [singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before!
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?

R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.

Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

Kids: Hey Gilligan did you eat the skipper?!

What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me it doesn't...

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT.

Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner...

Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.
Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!

Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?

It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.

You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz i'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!