Tommy Boy quotes

View Quote Tommy: Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
Ted Nelson: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson: Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's... What?

View Quote Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a hell of a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

View Quote Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow...
Mr. Brady: Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!
Richard: We'll keep in touch.

View Quote Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the friers back on and throw on some wings for you.

View Quote [Tommy spills M&M's all over the dashboard]
Richard: Oh, that sounds good. Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

View Quote [During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm ****ed.

View Quote What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me it doesn't...

View Quote [Tommy gets off the airplane]
Tommy: Richard Hayden!
Richard: Tommy.
Tommy: Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?
Richard: He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.
Tommy: He said he had a surprise for me.
Richard: Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.
Tommy: I did call...earlier...or, later.
Richard: Really? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two...four...niner...five, six seven...
Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I hear a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.

View Quote Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT.

View Quote Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

View Quote Richard: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no -
Tommy: No shit from anyone!
Richard: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners!
Richard: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah.

View Quote [During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!

View Quote R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

View Quote It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.

View Quote [Richard knocks on the door, impersonating the maid, while Tommy tries to sleep.]
Richard: Housekeeping?
Tommy: No thank you. Sleeping.
Richard: Housekeeping?
Tommy: Come back in an hour.
Richard: Housekeeping, you want towel?
Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy.
Richard: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
[Tommy gets out of bed and opens the door.]
Tommy: What kinda hotel is this?... Oh, it's you.
Richard: Good morning, sunshine. Yikes.