Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby quotes

View Quote [talking to Reese Bobby] Hello Professor Dickweed.

View Quote Dear 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you J?sus...we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or T.R., as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife, Carley, who is a stone cold fox (Cal: MMMMM!), who if you would rate her ass on 100 it would easily be a 94. I also want to thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr, Who's got my back no matter what (Cal: Shake and Bake)

View Quote Look, I like the baby version the best, you hear me? I win the races and I get the money

View Quote Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!

View Quote [getting thrown out of Applebee's] I'm a veteran! And a diabetic! Applebee's has rats! I found a whole rat in my Cobb salad!

View Quote If you ain't first, you're last!

View Quote [to Ricky's class] You don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher. She wants you to go slow, but it's the fastest who gets paid, and it's the fastest who gets laid.

View Quote Whoa! I gotta lay off the peyote.

View Quote I told you not to put the damn onions on my steak

View Quote Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

View Quote You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?

View Quote If it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather!"

View Quote Announcer at Racetrack: As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is of course a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.

View Quote Walker: Shut up in here, I'm tryin' to sleep!
Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

View Quote Dick Berggren: Dick Berggren reporting from Las Vegas victory lane for FOX television. Ricky, obviously a huge win for you today, but it seems as if you either win, or crash the car trying to win.
Ricky: Well, Dick, here's the deal: I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. You know, nobody can hang with my stuff. I'm just a--just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last! You know? You know what I mean? That phrase is trademarked and not to be used without the expressed permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.