Superbad quotes

View Quote Seth: I can get you guys alcohol.
Jules: Really? Seriously?
Seth: Yes, for sure.
Jules: That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.

View Quote Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.
[Teacher is in disbelief of Seth's speech]
Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.

View Quote Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.
Seth: Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.

View Quote Yeah but they don't really show dick going in, which is a huge concern... Plus, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?.... Not for me...

View Quote Evan: I still think you have a chance with Jules man. Really I mean she got incredibly hot over the summer and she obviously hasn't realized it yet cause she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.
Seth: Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like ****ing Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.

View Quote This jobs isn't really how y'know shows like CSI make it out to be. I mean when I first joined the force I assumed there was semen on everything! And there was some sort of semen database that had every bad guy's semen in it. There isn't! That doesn't exist! It'd be nice. Like that crime scene today; If the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we would have a real good shot at catching him! But no.. just a punch in the face, no semen... Story of my life...

View Quote You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have ****ed that guy?' We could be that mistake!

View Quote Fine, Evan. Here it goes. When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem, and it's not even that big of a deal. Something like 8% of kids do it, but whatever. It's--for some reason, I would just kinda sit around all day...and draw pictures of dicks.

View Quote They literally made me stop eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hotdogs, no popsicles. You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kind!

View Quote So this one day I was finishing up this big, veiny, triumphant bastard...

View Quote I know, but look at Evan, OK just look at him. I'm over here in my unit, I slave alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that!! Looks like the most fun, I've ever seen in my entire life; and it's bullshit. Sorry, excuse my language, I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know Home Ec is a joke, no offense, it's just like everyone joins this class to get an "A". It's bullshit and I'm sorry, and I'm not putting down your profession, but its just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here all by myself, cooking the shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't ever need to cook "Tiramasu." When am I gonna need to cook tiramasu? Am I gonna be a chef? No. There's two weeks left of school, just give me a ****ing break... Sorry for cursing.

View Quote Evan: I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, y'know? I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar I want a little production value, y'know like some editing, transition, something, some music...
Seth: Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?

View Quote I told her what time it was!

View Quote She looked at me in the eyes and said, "Seth, mama's makin' a pubie salad and I need some of Seth's Own Dressing."

View Quote You don't have the technology or the steady hand to pull off a procedure like that, so HA!