Splash quotes

25 total quotes (ID: 915)

Allen Bauer
Main cast
Walter Kornbluth

I was right. Behold the mermaid!

I'm a really nice guy. If I had friends you could ask them.

Freddie Bauer: [excitedly waving a Penthouse magazine] They published my letter. Here it is "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.

Claude: There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.
Allen Bauer: What's the name?
Claude: The guy or the island?
Allen Bauer: I'll find him.

She's really hungry. Explaining why his date (a mermaid in human form) was eating an entire lobster - including the shell.

It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people.

I am not a fish! How many times do I have to tell you people that? Now, will just let me outta here? Please? Huh? People? Said while standing naked in a tank with wires trailing from his body.

I suppose you're just some harmless beachcomber who happens to wear a tuxedo!

[repeated line] What a week I'm having.

Stan, the Tour Guide: Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. That Statue is a gift from French citizens and has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere... bocce balls!

Allen Bauer: Are there any messages?
Mrs. Stimler: Oh, yes. [goes back to typing]
Allen Bauer: [pause] And they are?
Mrs. Stimler: Oh, your father called, he wants you to call him back.
Allen Bauer: [pauses] Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away about five years ago. Do you remember?
Mrs. Stimler: [confused look] Right. Shall I ring him for you?
Allen Bauer: No, thank you.

[Allen is an usher at a wedding and has recently ended a relationship]
Wedding Guest: Hey, Allen! Where's Victoria?
Allen Bauer: She's not coming! What, do you want your money back?!
Wedding Guest: Hey, Allen!
Allen Bauer: She left me! She moved out and my life's shambles, all right? That's the news, you want the weather? Anywhere but the first three rows!

Allen Bauer: You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.
Freddie Bauer: Victoria left, huh?
Allen Bauer: Yeah. You know why she left, Freddie? Because I didn't love her.
Freddie Bauer: That bitch.

Allen Bauer: [drunk] I don't ask for much. I don't ask to be rich, and I don't ask to be famous, and I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees. I just want to get married and have a wife, and a house, and have a kid, and I want to go see him be a tooth in the school field.
[Allen has passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]
Freddie Bauer: You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.
[Allen remains comatose]
Freddie Bauer: Bartender, Another round for my friend and I here!
Allen Bauer: No, no, Freddie! I don't want to get drunk!
Freddie Bauer: But you are drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
Bartender: Is he gonna be up there all day?
Freddie Bauer: I don't know.
Allen Bauer: [coming to] Ohh... I'm on the bar!
Freddie Bauer: Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.
[Allen slips and falls to the floor]
Freddie Bauer: Uh-oh, you fell.

Claude: Hey, Mr. Cornbeef?
Walter Kornbluth: Kornbluth!
Claude: Watcha lookin' for down there? Buried treasure?
Walter Kornbluth: Wanna know what I'm looking for? Boys, I'll tell you. None of your goddamned business!! That's what I'm lookin' for!! Get out of my way!