Spaceballs quotes

View Quote Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad...for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!

View Quote Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Bartholomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!

View Quote [Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Lone Starr: Water...water...
Dot Matrix: Oil...oil...
Vespa: Room service...room service..

View Quote [Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss when Dot Matrix sounds an alarm.]
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the hell was that?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

View Quote Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

View Quote Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[President Skroob walks in.]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Skroob: Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

View Quote Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [makes a psh sound effect; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you too! [Dot doll] Aaargh!! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet...I find you strangely attractive! [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhhhh... your helmet is so big... [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
[Dark Helmet hurries to hide the dolls.]
Dark Helmet: What!!
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door; knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: [pause] Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!

View Quote Barf: What the hell was that?
Lone Starr: Spaceball One.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!

View Quote [Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck.]
Guard:: What hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard:: No, no stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lone Starr: Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[The guard collapses.]

View Quote Man in diner: We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"
(John Hurt's character convulses)
Woman in diner: Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!
Man in Diner: Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
(John Hurt starts groaning in pain)
Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
(chestburster emerges)
John Hurt: Oh no! Not again![2]

View Quote Ape Man 1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape Man 2: Spaceballs!!
Ape Man 1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

View Quote Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff...Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

View Quote [Spaceball One is at ludicrous speed, having passed Lone Starr's Winnebago]
Dark Helmet: We passed 'em; stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
Dark Helmet: Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you, stop!!
[Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet up severely.]
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet: [slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah....
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet: Well...are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz:Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)

View Quote [Spaceballs are literally combing the desert] Sandurz: Sir.
Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers uses it on Sandurz instead] What?
Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No you fool, we're following orders, we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet?!
Soldier: Nothing yet, sir.
Dark Helmet: How about you?!
Soldier: Not a thing sir!
[camera pans to two soldiers using a mini comb] Dark Helmet: What about you guys?!
Soldier: We ain't found shit!

View Quote Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Spaceball: Jawohl Lord Helmet! [stands aside]
Dark Helmet: So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transfered from your planet...to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceballs in the room drop their guns and cover their crotches]
Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Starr![car's door slams on top of his helmet]