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Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run, as you fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingy: You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?
Gingy: Eat me! [spits]
Lord Farquaad: [grunts] I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! TELL ME, OR I'LL ---
Gingy: No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then, who's hiding them?!
Gingy: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. W-Who lives down Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man...
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man...
Gingy: You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?
Gingy: Eat me! [spits]
Lord Farquaad: [grunts] I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! TELL ME, OR I'LL ---
Gingy: No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then, who's hiding them?!
Gingy: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. W-Who lives down Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man...
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man...
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Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, er... ogres... are... like onions.
Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes...NO!
Donkey: Or they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers... you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: [restraining temper] I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
[pause]
Donkey: Parfaits may probably be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet!
Shrek: You know... I think I preferred you humming...
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, er... ogres... are... like onions.
Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes...NO!
Donkey: Or they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers... you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: [restraining temper] I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
[pause]
Donkey: Parfaits may probably be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet!
Shrek: You know... I think I preferred you humming...
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[Shrek shows Donkey some star constellations]
Shrek: Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Donkey: Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Donkey: Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Shrek: Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
[pause]
Donkey: Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?
Shrek: Our swamp?
Donkey: Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: [looks hurt] You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
Shrek: No! Y'think?
Donkey: Are you hidin' something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Donkey: Why don't you wanna talk about it?
Shrek: [irritated now] Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Yes you are.
Shrek: [really getting angry] Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek: [loses it] EVERYONE, OKAY?!?
[pause]
Donkey: [grins] Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
Shrek: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
Donkey: What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
Shrek: I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
[pause]
Donkey: Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Donkey: So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Donkey: Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
Shrek: That's the moon.
Shrek: Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Donkey: Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Donkey: Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Shrek: Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
[pause]
Donkey: Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?
Shrek: Our swamp?
Donkey: Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: [looks hurt] You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
Shrek: No! Y'think?
Donkey: Are you hidin' something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Donkey: Why don't you wanna talk about it?
Shrek: [irritated now] Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Yes you are.
Shrek: [really getting angry] Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek: [loses it] EVERYONE, OKAY?!?
[pause]
Donkey: [grins] Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
Shrek: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
Donkey: What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
Shrek: I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
[pause]
Donkey: Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Donkey: So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Donkey: Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
Shrek: That's the moon.
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Shrek: (to Donkey) WHY... are you following me?
Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all come; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have FRIENDS--
Shrek: STOP! SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all come; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have FRIENDS--
Shrek: STOP! SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
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[Shrek and Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona. Donkey sniffs the air, and smells something horrible.]
Donkey: Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.
Donkey: Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.
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[Donkey has been telling Fiona about DuLoc]
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
Donkey: No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
Princess Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer.
Princess Fiona: But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
Princess Fiona: [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
Donkey: No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
Princess Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer.
Princess Fiona: But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
Princess Fiona: [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!
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(Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp)
1st Villager: Do you know what that thing could do to you?
2nd Villager: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek: Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
2nd Villager: (waves a torch in front of Shrek) Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
(Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)
2nd Villager: Oh...
1st Villager: Do you know what that thing could do to you?
2nd Villager: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek: Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
2nd Villager: (waves a torch in front of Shrek) Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
(Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)
2nd Villager: Oh...
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That's right fool! Now I'm a FLYING talking donkey! You mighta seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY FLY!
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Donkey: You love this woman, don't ya?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: You wanna HOLD her?
Shrek: Yes!
Donkey: PLEASE her?!
Shrek: YES!
Donkey: [singing] Then ya gotta, gotta try a little tenderness! Chicks LOVE that romantic crap!
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: You wanna HOLD her?
Shrek: Yes!
Donkey: PLEASE her?!
Shrek: YES!
Donkey: [singing] Then ya gotta, gotta try a little tenderness! Chicks LOVE that romantic crap!
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Old Lady: No no no! He talks!...He does! (Moves Donkey's lips) I can talk! I love to talk! I'm the talkingest dang thing you ever saw!
Captain: Get her out of my sight!
Captain: Get her out of my sight!
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Donkey: [eyeing the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh... entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you?
Shrek: What?
Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?
Shrek: [sarcastically friendly] Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: PLEASE, I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay!
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you?
Shrek: What?
Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?
Shrek: [sarcastically friendly] Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: PLEASE, I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay!
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Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories and in the morning, I'm making WAFFLES. [pause] Umm, where do I sleep?
Shrek: OUTSIDE!
Shrek: OUTSIDE!
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[Shrek and Donkey finally reach the terrifying castle where Fiona is imprisoned]
Donkey: [nervous] Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!
Donkey: [nervous] Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!
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When I get outta here, I'm gonna need some serious therapy! Look at my eye twitching!
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(to Donkey) I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!!!