Office Space

Office Space quotes

80 total quotes (ID: 428)

Bill Lumbergh
Drew
Lawrence
Michael Bolton
Milton Waddams
Multiple Characters
Peter Gibbons
Samir Nagheenanajar
Tom Smykowski


Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Samir, this is America. This isn't Riyadh; they're not going to saw your hands off.
Peter Gibbons: The most they would do is put us for a few months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! You know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: They do?
Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
Samir: I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: OK, I'll do it.


Y-- Excuse me. You-- I believe you have my stapler?

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second here.
Peter Gibbons: OK.
Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.

Peter Gibbons: You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't...don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Porter: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Joanna: How dare you judge me! You are just this penny-stealing, wannabe criminal... man.
Peter Gibbons: Well, that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
Joanna: Why don't you call me when you grow up! Wait a minute, that will never happen, so why don't you just not call me, yeah...
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

We don't have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.

The ratio of people to cake is too big.

I was told that I could listen, to the radio at a reasonable volume from 9 to 11... well, I... I told Bill that if, if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones while she's, while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn it down because I enjoy, listening, at a reasonable volume, from 9 to 11...

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in various mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and—
Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. It's supposed to tell you what you'd do if...PC Load Letter! What the **** does that mean?

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

And then Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and and and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler, and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it, and I really don't appreciate garbage...

Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Well, Ok. But... that's the last straw.

I could set the building on fire... [said several times in the film, usually after he feels slighted]