Office Space quotes

View Quote Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and Bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying Bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: So what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch Kung Fu. Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
Joanna: I love Kung Fu.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight.
Joanna: Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok.

View Quote Joanna: You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there Brian, why don't you make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Joanna: You know what, I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it. (flips off her boss)

View Quote [Brian sees Joanna and Peter kissing]
Brian: Woah! Hey, get a room you two!
[Imitates Joanna flipping everyone off] Heh, heh!
Joanna: I really hate that guy.

View Quote Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Kay but, last time I didn't receive a piece, and I was told, that I could -
Nina: Just pass.
Milton Waddams: Uh, ok...

View Quote Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

View Quote Peter Gibbons: You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't...don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Porter: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

View Quote Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second here.
Peter Gibbons: OK.
Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.

View Quote Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Samir: Piece of shit.

View Quote Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

View Quote Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

View Quote Bill Lumbergh: Hello Peter, what's happening? Listen, are you gonna have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Well then I suppose we should go ahead and have a little talk.
Peter Gibbons: Not right now Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. You know what, in fact I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back later, I've got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.

View Quote Peter Gibbons: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give *me* more money?
Bob Porter: Uh-huh.
Peter Gibbons: Wow.

View Quote Michael Bolton: You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually I'm being promoted.

View Quote Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Samir, this is America. This isn't Riyadh; they're not going to saw your hands off.
Peter Gibbons: The most they would do is put us for a few months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! You know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: They do?
Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
Samir: I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: OK, I'll do it.

View Quote Peter Gibbons: Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed
Lawrence: (From the other apartment) Don't worry man! I won't tell anyone about this either.
Michael Bolton: Who the **** is that?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.