National Lampoon's Vacation

National Lampoon's Vacation quotes

67 total quotes (ID: 413)

Clark Griswold
Multiple Characters
Roy Walley


I think you're all ****ed in the head! We're ten hours from ****ing fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation, it's a quest. It's a quest for fun, I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun, we're all gonna have so much ****ing fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Oh, shit!


Aunt Edna: Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!

Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Car Salesman: Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed.
Car Salesman: Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Car Salesman: I know what must have happened. It didn't come in. Now I can get you the Sports Wagon; the only problem is that it may take six weeks. I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it.
Clark: Ed, I'm not your average fool. Now I want my super sports wagon now, or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!
Car Salesman: Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car and bring it back here!
[the car is in the process of being smashed. It returns flat, and Clark tries to squat and open the door]

Ellen: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: I'm asking how much you got!
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?
Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!
Clark: What does the sheriff think of your business practice?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]

Clark: [Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna] O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Ellen: Clark...
Clark:[ignoring her] Baruuuuuuch Ataaaaaaah Aluuuuuuuyah...
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter, I'll do it myself!
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.

[the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer] Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.

Ahhh! I'd like to propose a toast, if I may? Here's to...a very restful vacation. Here's to...a very relaxing vacation. A renewed love affair. And...a time of joy with our babies.

The Girl in the Ferrari: It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!

Cousin Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

Motorcycle Cop: Ya know, if I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver, faster than you could say "police brutality."

Ellen Griswold: I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!