MASH quotes

View Quote [While making out]
Lt. Dish: I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be-- I was going to be faithful to my husband.
Hawkeye: Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.

View Quote Duke: Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
Trapper John: Back home. I told you before.
Duke: No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Trapper John: Mmm.
Duke: Where?
Trapper John: Hospital.
Duke: Which hospital?
Trapper John: Back home.
Duke: [To Hawkeye] Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?
Hawkeye: I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?
[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]
Hawkeye: There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?
[Trapper John smirks and shakes his head.]
Hawkeye: Hmm.

View Quote Hawkeye: Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?
Duke: Yeah, you told me.
Hawkeye: They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing... boom!
Trapper John: Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.
Hawkeye: Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?
Trapper John: I thought you'd never remember.

View Quote Trapper John: Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Hawkeye: Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Trapper John: Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?

View Quote [After Trapper John punches Frank Burns]
Col. Blake: Well, what's wrong with you?
Trapper John: I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up!

View Quote Hot Lips: [About Hawkeye] I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.

View Quote [Referring to Major Houlihan]
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye: Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye: She can't even get out of the door.

View Quote [Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

View Quote [Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]
Hawkeye: What do you mean? What is it?
Father Mulcahy: Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
Hawkeye: Oh, and you can't--
Father Mulcahy: I can't divulge...
Hawkeye: Can you give me a hint?

View Quote [Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]
Duke: Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
Trapper John: Farewell Walt.
Duke: Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
Hawkeye: I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.
Duke: That's true.
Hawkeye: That's what we award our highest medals for.
Duke: That's beautiful.
Hawkeye: That's what being a soldier is all about.
Trapper John: Oh yeah.
Capt. Bandini: Here! Here!

View Quote Hot Lips: That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
Trapper John: So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.

View Quote Duke: I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
Hawkeye: I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan
Trapper John: Here! Here!
Duke: Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
Hawkeye: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!
Duke: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks, How's that?
Hawkeye: You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper John] You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?

View Quote Me Lay Marston: Who are you?
Hawkeye: I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[Trapper John grunts]

View Quote [Caught by the MPs]
Hawkeye: Where did we fail?
Trapper John: I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.
Hawkeye: She was the one in Tangiers.