[Caught by the MPs]
Hawkeye: Where did we fail?
Trapper John: I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.
Hawkeye: She was the one in Tangiers.

[Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]
Hawkeye: What do you mean? What is it?
Father Mulcahy: Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
Hawkeye: Oh, and you can't--
Father Mulcahy: I can't divulge...
Hawkeye: Can you give me a hint?

[Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

[Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]
Duke: Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
Trapper John: Farewell Walt.
Duke: Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
Hawkeye: I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.
Duke: That's true.
Hawkeye: That's what we award our highest medals for.
Duke: That's beautiful.
Hawkeye: That's what being a soldier is all about.
Trapper John: Oh yeah.
Capt. Bandini: Here! Here!

[Referring to Major Houlihan]
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye: Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye: She can't even get out of the door.

[While making out]
Lt. Dish: I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be-- I was going to be faithful to my husband.
Hawkeye: Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.

[As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.

[During football game] All right bud, your fucking head is coming right off!

[In the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, strangle me!

[Proudly] I like to think of the army as my home!

[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.

[Watching as Frank Burns leaves] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?

Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!

Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before.

Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.