Liar Liar quotes

View Quote Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! [winces]
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [pulls the glovebox open to reveal the piles of parking tickets and groans] ... be gentle.

View Quote Miranda: [about Mr. Allen] Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a ****, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
Fletcher: [talking to each member in turn] You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUUUUUUUTTT! [points at Miranda]
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!

View Quote Fletcher: You scratched my car!
Impound Guy: Where?
Fletcher: [Showing him exactly] Right there!
Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.
Fletcher: You - liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Guy: What?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya? [winks]

View Quote Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

View Quote Fletcher: New in the building?
Busty Woman on Elevator: Yeah.
Fletcher: How do you like it so far?
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. [Woman looks back at him quickly] I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama! [Makes sucking motion]

View Quote Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message? [yells] Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!

View Quote Police Officer: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge: Who did this?
Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge: What did he look like?
Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.

View Quote *holding a blue pen* The color of the pen is re-, the color of the pen is re-... THE COLOR OF THE PEN THAT I HOLD IN MY HAND IS RE- ROYAL BLUE!

View Quote Bum: Got any spare change?
Fletcher: Absolutely!
Bum: Well, could ya spare some?
Fletcher: Yes I could!
Bum: Will you?
Fletcher: [shakes head] Uh-mm!
Bum: How come?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of Western society!... Plus I'm cheap! AHHH!

View Quote What is WRONG with me? I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...

View Quote Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walking!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to be remembered!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Greta: Mr. Reede...
Fletcher: Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!

View Quote From the outtakes
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: OVERACTOR!
Fletcher: JEZEBEL!
Jim Carrey: Oh no, they're on to me!

View Quote Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge: Can't it wait?
Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge: Is that true?
Fletcher: It has to be!
Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.

View Quote Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No! [pause] I'd have got him ten.

View Quote (Shouting at a client on the phone) Stop breaking the law, asshole!