Max Reede quotes

I wish for just one day, dad couldn't tell a lie.

Max: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

Max: Do the claw to mom, dad, do the claw to mom!
Fletcher: Uh-oh. You've found the claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures.
Audrey: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran oughta gas! The gage is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max: Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!
Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey!

Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Samantha: Seven.
Fletcher: Beg your pardon?
Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.

Max: [thought voice-over] I wish that for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.
Miranda: [after sex] Ummm, that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.

Fletcher: New in the building?
Busty Woman on Elevator: Yeah.
Fletcher: How do you like it so far?
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. [Woman looks back at him quickly] I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama! [Makes sucking motion]

Bum: Got any spare change?
Fletcher: Absolutely!
Bum: Well, could ya spare some?
Fletcher: Yes I could!
Bum: Will you?
Fletcher: [shakes head] Uh-mm!
Bum: How come?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of Western society!... Plus I'm cheap! AHHH!

Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana: Fine, thank you.
Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

Audrey: Well, what were you doing?
Fletcher: Having sex!
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone very special!
Fletcher: No, see that's the thing, I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could get ahead by making her squealllAAAAHH! (Throws phone away)

Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walking!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to be remembered!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Greta: Mr. Reede...
Fletcher: Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!

Fletcher: You scratched my car!
Impound Guy: Where?
Fletcher: [Showing him exactly] Right there!
Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.
Fletcher: You - liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Guy: What?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya? [winks]

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! [winces]
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [pulls the glovebox open to reveal the piles of parking tickets and groans] ... be gentle.

Max: Is wrestling real?
Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Max: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Max: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Receptionist: Hey, Mr Reede! Like the new dress?
Fletcher: Whatever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Why?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!

Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?
Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!
[Samantha and children enter]
Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!
Fletcher: [singing in tune to Mighty Mouse theme] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!
Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!
Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No! [pause] I'd have got him ten.

Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you.
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?

Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck?
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Greta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!

Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: BASTARD!
Fletcher: HAG!
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled!

Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge: Can't it wait?
Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge: Is that true?
Fletcher: It has to be!
Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.

Fletcher: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I object, Your Honor, and I move to strike!
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!

Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.

Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a little bit...
Fletcher: Magoo!
Audrey: Yes.

Fletcher: I'm a bad father!
Audrey: You're not a bad father...when you show up.

Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

Miranda: [about Mr. Allen] Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
Fletcher: [talking to each member in turn] You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUUUUUUUTTT! [points at Miranda]
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!

Police Officer: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge: Who did this?
Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge: What did he look like?
Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.

Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!

Max: Mom? Dad?
[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing]
Fletcher: MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
Max: No. I wished for rollerblades!
Audrey: Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
Max: Oh no... it's the claw!
Fletcher: NO ONE CAN STOP THE CLAW!

From the outtakes
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: OVERACTOR!
Fletcher: JEZEBEL!
Jim Carrey: Oh no, they're on to me!

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