Liar Liar

Liar Liar quotes

56 total quotes (ID: 771)

Fletcher Reede
Max Reede

Max: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Max: Is wrestling real?
Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Max: Mom? Dad?
[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing]
Fletcher: MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
Max: No. I wished for rollerblades!
Audrey: Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
Max: Oh no... it's the claw!

Max: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

Max: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Miranda: [about Mr. Allen] Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
Fletcher: [talking to each member in turn] You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUUUUUUUTTT! [points at Miranda]
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Police Officer: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge: Who did this?
Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge: What did he look like?
Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.

Receptionist: Hey, Mr Reede! Like the new dress?
Fletcher: Whatever takes the focus off your head!

From the outtakes
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Fletcher: JEZEBEL!
Jim Carrey: Oh no, they're on to me!

[After being tossed out of the office following sexual encouter] I've had better!?

Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.

I CAN'T LIE!!!!!

I wish for just one day, dad couldn't tell a lie.

I'm kicking my ass, d'ya mind?!