Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

View Quote I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

View Quote And just like that, the Baudelaire Children became the Baudelaire Orphans. I tried to tell you. This would be an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theater, living room or airplane this film is showing in. It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

View Quote I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you'll be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to do****ent this tale.

View Quote Klaus: That man is Count Olaf, He tried to flatten us with a train.
Detective: Where would that man get a train?
Stephano: Yeah, where would I get a train??

View Quote Klaus: Aunt Josephine?
Violet: Never heard of her.
Klaus: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

View Quote Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): Captain Sham, at your service.
Klaus: He's lying! He's Count Olaf!
Aunt Josephine: That horrible man you warned me about? Where? Who?
Violet: Right in front of you!
Count Olaf: Where's he at?
Aunt Josephine: Behind Captain Sham?
Klaus: No!
Count Olaf: I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give him the old "wax on, wax off," me son.
Klaus: Captain Sham is Count Olaf! I am not going through this again! (knocks over Count Olaf)
Count Olaf: Children of the corn!

View Quote Mr. Poe: Arrest him!
Detective: Why?
Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!
Count Olaf: I'm the monster? No. You're the monster. These children tried to tell you but you didn't listen to them, no one ever listens to children. This do****ent says that I have the fortune now AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

View Quote [During marriage scene during Count Olaf's play]
Critic: She doesn't deserve him. (blots eyes)
Detective: (in agreement, shakes head)No.
Critic: Are you thinking that?
Detective: She doesn't.

View Quote Lemony Snicket: (narrating) I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) ... they were correct.

View Quote The Detective: (to Violet) Little girl, the big cage door is open. No snake. Dead guy. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking who woke me up at nine in the morning for this?

View Quote Stephano: Hello. I am looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. I am Stephano. I am an Italian man and I am here to assist him in his research, as best I can. As well as to facilitate and remain observatory.
Violet: Count Olaf.
Stephano: Oh. Now why would you say something like that? I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, but if I had, I'm sure he would look and sound completely different.
Klaus: You're Olaf, and we're not letting you in.
Stephano: [stabs door] Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis. [sees Uncle Monty] Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids.
Uncle Monty: Words of wisdom indeed, Mr. Stephano.
Stephano: Oops, you caught me being a mentor.