Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

41 total quotes (ID: 787)

Count Olaf
Klaus Baudelaire
Lemony Snicket
Violet Baudelaire


I realize that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be quite charming once it's finished. (Leans forward menacingly) Shall we take a look?


It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

Uncle Monty: Do you have any experience with children?
Stephano: Ah. Well, children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe. (to Olaf) Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

Count Olaf: (after showing the children to their "room") And this is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night!
Violet: But the sun's still up!
Count Olaf: (mocking) "But the sun's still up!"

Hello, hello, hello.

I'm sorry... I don't speak monkeyish.

Uncle Monty: I had a wife, and children...before the fire...
Klaus: A fire?
Uncle Monty: I may know better than anyone what you're going through. But it's gonna be alright. We'll be with people who can understand us, people who are like us, people who can appreciate unique and wonderful children who can invent and read and...bite things.
Violet: Uncle Monty...why are you doing all this?
Uncle Monty: [Shrugs] Isn't that what family does?
Lemony Snicket: "And so, the Baudelaire children went to Peru, and together had wonderful adventures under the care of their wonderful and loving new guardian. The End." These are the words I so desparately wish I could write. Oh, I would give anything to say the story ends here. However, my duty is not to weave up happy endings where they do not occur, but report the actual events in the lives of the Baudelaire children. And much as it pains me, I am sorry to say the children's problems were just beginning and it did so with two musical notes.
[Doorbell rings]

[Fog horn blows]
Mr. Poe: Children, is that you?
Klaus: Mr. Poe, we're-
Count Olaf: (interrupting) Drowning. (sticks Klaus' head in water, brings it back up then turns toward water) Back to the depths, you fingery devils! (turns to Klaus) You will not devour this boy's head today. (hugs Klaus close to him)
Mr. Poe: Count Olaf, what are you doing here?
Dectective: Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
Count Olaf: I know, I know. I shouldn't have come. But when I heard the children were in danger, I had to. Even if I'm not...(turns away, makes downcast face)...fit to be their guardian.
Mr. Poe: It appears I was wrong about you, Count Olaf
Klaus and Violet: NO!
Sunny: NO!

Mr. Poe: I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.
Klaus: He tried to kill us!
Mr. Poe: Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.
Count Olaf: [to Mr. Poe] May I have a moment alone with the children?
[Mr. Poe nods head in agreement]
Count Olaf: Goodbye, kids. It's been fun (leans farther into car window, whispers) I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you. (light menacing laugh) You are so deceased. (turns from car, puts eye drops in eye, turns to Mr. Poe) Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time.(quivers bottom lip)

Violet, I think you better tie up your hair...

These things don't just happen.

You are so deceased!

Do you have a hall pass? I didn't think so.