Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

41 total quotes (ID: 787)

Count Olaf
Klaus Baudelaire
Lemony Snicket
Violet Baudelaire


Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.


Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremly unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have just perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.
Lemony Snicket: "If you have already lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't? You can't possible imagine."
Count Olaf: Ah! My dear...(looks at stick figures of the children with names on his hands) Violet. Au' chan terr?
Violet: How do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus. (grabs Klaus' face, and looks at each side of it) Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. (begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip, then notices Sunny) And, uh...what is this?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm Sunny.
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak... *monkey*! (Mimicing a baby) Banana?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm *not* a monkey!

Klaus: You're not getting a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really? Says who?
Klaus: The law. Look it up!

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): (to Violet) Are you jigging, me girl? (to Aunt Josephine) Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.
Aunt Josephine: It is?
Sunny: (baby talk) Is she desperate?
Count Olaf: It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good gammar, the whole darn shooting match could go arse over tea kettle.
Aunt Josephine: Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
Count Olaf: I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am.

Klaus: Violet, you better tie your hair up.
[Camera pans out reveling what's left of the house being supported by single beam]
Klaus: Uh... Violet? Ideas?

Violet: On three, we're gonna break that beam.
Klaus: Break it?.
Violet: Yes
Klaus: That's the only thing keeping us up.
Violet: Exactly.
Klaus: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

Everything happens for a reason.

It's the letter, the letter that never came. (reading letter) Dearest Children, Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended, and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in-fact be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery, and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it - that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family, and you are home. Your loving parents.

There's always something

You know, it's a big, big world out there. Filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across and ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children and your hideous primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the earth! [starts acting like a dinosaur and making dinosaur sounds]

This... is a little piece I like to call "The Electric Chair". (Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens. In a country/redneck accent) I think ya' might have t' turn it up a little! (slight pause) Is anybody...OOUUTT TTHHEERREE!!! DAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

Now, now. Let's keep our heads here. If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!

And I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

(To the children) You're not afraid of heights are you? (Points to Sunny and laughs) Imagine that: a monkey afraid of heights!

(While showing the children his house) The kitchen! I know what you're thinking: "This place could use a little TLC". I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.