Johnny English quotes

View Quote Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English!
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well we need to get these jewels back, and fast! Tell me about this assailant, because when they searched the building later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English. Oh, this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Well, he was... big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Orange.
Pegasus: Orange?!
Johnny English: And curly. Frizzy, actually. An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two I would say at the most, and a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
[Pegasus shows him the likeness; it resembles a cross between a pirate and a clown]
Johnny English: AH! Oh, that's him. An uncanny resemblance.

View Quote I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing more than a toothbrush and a pack of sherbert lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

View Quote [Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]
Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: How?
Johnny English: The Benodin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir. And?
Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat.
Johnny English: [singing] E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--
Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you.
Johnny English: [singing] Thanks for all the joy that-- [Johnny hits the tunnel wall] Oh!

View Quote Lorna Campbell: [watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
[he chuckles, then notices Sauvage standing behind him]
Johnny English: Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage: Enchant?.
[Johnny stammers in embarrassment]
Pascal Sauvage: And of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.

View Quote Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming - look busy"?

View Quote Johnny English: [picks up a pen on the secretary's desk] This reminds me of the old service issue ballpoint. I remember every agent used to carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye but, click it twice... [clicks the pen twice and a missile shoots out of the pen and hits the secretary, who collapses]

View Quote Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.

View Quote A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.

View Quote Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: I'm gonna sit in the flat.

View Quote [after landing on the wrong building, which happens to be a hospital, and taking the medical staff hostage]
Johnny English: Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
Doctor: What are you talking about?
Johnny English: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
[everyone looks out of the window; Jonny turns to see a giant SAUVAGE sign on the next building with Bough staring at him from the window]
Bough: [over com-link] Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

View Quote [furious because his coronation has been interupted by English] All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French ARSE it can!

View Quote [English has infiltrated a hospital, mistakingly believing it to be Sauvage's HQ]
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: Bas****.

View Quote The word 'mistake' is not one that appears in my dictionary.

View Quote Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.

View Quote Bough: Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Oh, good.