Ava Blazer: [after one of the girls announces that she's gay] You can't be gay! You're a tramp!

Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin.

Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me a lot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!

Frank Brackett: [about Cameron] He used to mow our lawn. Never again.

Glenn Close: [at the Academy Awards] This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges" and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell".

Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned.

Reporter: Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?

Sonja: I don't have time. I promised to do that photo shoot this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit!

Cameron: Eat something, I'm begging you! You look like a swizzle stick.
Sonja: Food?

Emily: Does anybody here know how many times I had to watch Funny Lady?
Howard: It was a sequel. She was under contract.
Emily: Fuck Barbra Streisand, and you!

Emily: I've seen all your movies.
Cameron: Both of them?

Howard: [at confession, about "a friend"] He's just never had a physical relationship with her.
Father Tim: Never? In three years?
Howard: He respects her.
Father Tim: He's gay!

Howard: He may be under the influence of something. He may have joined a cult!
Frank Brackett: That little zombie.

Howard: I may sue!
Frank Brackett: Get Johnny Cochrane, not that woman!

Jack: There's only two times when that kind of thing's okay: In prison where it's a substitute and guys in space.
Mike: Guys in space?
Jack: Well, not on purpose. They just float into each other.