Fletch quotes

View Quote Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? The California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two bs?
Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register.
Fletch: Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Your Aunt?
Fletch: Yes. Mrs. Smith.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: June or Margaret?
Fletch: Uh-huh, right.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Ahh, he was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was really... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks!
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Drop your shorts and bend over.
Fletch: No...we don't have to, I mean, maybe I just haven't been doing enough calisthenics...you know, my kidneys feel a lot better now, maybe if I just bent over like this every morning......
[Dolan inserts his finger into Fletch's anus with an audible "pop" sound]
Fletch: [singing] Moon River......[talking] Whew...ever serve time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Breathe easy.
Fletch: Yeah...breathe easy... Ahh!! Using the whole fist, Doc?!
...
[After the proctological exam]
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.

View Quote Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. [leans arm on hot engine part, then jumps away] Heyya! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

View Quote Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.

View Quote Fletch: [Talking to the PanAm Reservations Agent at LAX] I hope there's no-one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class and I take up both seats. I'm in bridge construction and these fold outs take up a tremendous amount of space!
Reservation Agent: I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you...
Fletch: Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?!
Reservation Agent: No, the name is Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre?
Reservation Agent: It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo.
Fletch: Ah...Provo, Spain?
Reservation Agent: Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?

View Quote Waiter: Excuse me sir, you are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills.
Waiter: The Underhills? They are left, Señor.
Fletch: Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like to order something, sir? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.

View Quote Fletch: I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who?
Fletch: John ****... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: It's Scotch-Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: So were my parents.
...
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah
Fletch: I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
...
Gail Stanwyck: You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You ARE a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyck: See what I mean?

View Quote Fletch: You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.
Alan Stanwyk: Who?
Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.
Alan Stanwyk: What, are you doped up now?
Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.

View Quote Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk: Alan Stanwyk.
Fletch: Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...

View Quote Frank Walker: What about this guy, 'Fat Sam'? You said you had pictures of him.
Fletch: I do have pictures of him. Dealing.
Frank Walker: Well let's go! We'll run the pictures!
Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who's the source?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal?

View Quote [narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance.

View Quote Alan Stanwyk: Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.

View Quote Receptionist: Can I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I just need to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?

View Quote Kid: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Kid: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Kid: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
...
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Kid: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

View Quote Gail Stanwyk: [Looking at photos of her husband and another woman] Look at her! Would you look at her?! She looks like a hooker! Could you love someone who looked like that!?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! ...five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

View Quote [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.