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Rufus T. Firefly


Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure. Now, how about lending this country 20 million dollars, you old skinflint.
Trentino: 20 million dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
Firefly: Well, in the meantime, could you let me have 12 dollars until payday?
Trentino: 12 dollars?
Firefly: Don't be scared. You'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for 90 days. If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.
Trentino: Your Excellency? Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
Firefly: I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. It must be something I ate.
Trentino: Look here Sir, are you trying to...?
Firefly: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.


Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda in a half a glass of water.

Trentino: Do you mean Worm?
Firefly: No, that wasn't it.
Trentino: I know, Swine!
Firefly: ...No, it was a seven letter word.
Trentino: Oh yes, Upstart?
Firefly: That's it! Upstart.
[Firefly slaps Trentino across the face with his gloves.]
Trentino: This means WAR!
Firefly: Go, and never darken my towels again!

Minister of Finance: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.
Minister of Finance: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars.
Chicolini: "Dollahs!" There's-a where my uncle lives! "Dollahs", Taxes!
Minister of Finance: Aww!

Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.
Firefly: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Trentino: I'm sorry we lost our tempers. I'm willing to forget if you are.
Firefly: Forget? You ask me to forget? A Firefly never forgets. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again. Nothing doing. I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company.
Mrs. Teasdale: Please wait.
Firefly: Let go of me, you bully!
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh!
Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

Firefly: Take a letter.
Bob Roland: Who to?
Firefly: To my dentist.
Firefly: Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.
Bob Roland: I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.
Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.

Prosecutor: Chicolini, isn't it true you sold Freedonia's secret war code and plans?
Chicolin: Sure, I sold a code and two pairs o' plans. Hahaha! 'At's-a some joke, eh boss?
Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.
Chicolini: I tell you what I'll do. I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember while you're out there risking life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

[On the phone] Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!

Mrs. Teasdale: The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

Trentino: You Swine!...You Worm!...You Upstart!
[Firefly slaps him with his glove]
Trentino: Mrs. Teasdale. I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence may plunge our countries into war.
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, this is terrible!
Trentino: I've said enough. I'm a man of few words.
Firefly: I'm a man of one word: Scram!

Prosecutor: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.
Chicolini: I object.
Prosecutor: You object. On what grounds?
Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly: Objection sustained.
Prosecutor: Your Excellency? You sustained the objection?
Firefly: Sure. I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

Mrs. Teasdale: I thought you left.
Chicolini (impersonating Firefly): Oh no. I don't leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes.
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Here are the plans of war. They're as valuable as your life. And that's putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you're too busy running around playing bridge.

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.