Duck Soup quotes

View Quote Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?
Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army.
Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

View Quote Firefly: Take a letter.
Bob Roland: Who to?
Firefly: To my dentist.
Firefly: Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.
Bob Roland: I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.
Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency. We've been expecting you. As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the wishes of every man, woman, and child of Freedonia.
Firefly: Never mind that stuff. (pulls a deck of cards from his pocket) Take a card.
Mrs. Teasdale: Card? What will I do with the card?
Firefly: You can keep it. I've got fifty-one left. Now what were you saying?
Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
Mrs. Teasdale: I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Mrs. Teasdale: The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you will follow in the footsteps of my husband.
Firefly: (to audience) How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (to Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly: Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. Teasdale: He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you! (jumps into her arms)
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency!
Firefly: You're not so bad yourself.

View Quote I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.

View Quote Minister of Finance: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.
Minister of Finance: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars.
Chicolini: "Dollahs!" There's-a where my uncle lives! "Dollahs", Taxes!
Minister of Finance: Aww!

View Quote Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.

View Quote You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember while you're out there risking life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

View Quote Prosecutor: Chicolini, isn't it true you sold Freedonia's secret war code and plans?
Chicolin: Sure, I sold a code and two pairs o' plans. Hahaha! 'At's-a some joke, eh boss?
Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.
Chicolini: I tell you what I'll do. I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

View Quote Prosecutor: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.
Chicolini: I object.
Prosecutor: You object. On what grounds?
Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly: Objection sustained.
Prosecutor: Your Excellency? You sustained the objection?
Firefly: Sure. I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure. Now, how about lending this country 20 million dollars, you old skinflint.
Trentino: 20 million dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
Firefly: Well, in the meantime, could you let me have 12 dollars until payday?
Trentino: 12 dollars?
Firefly: Don't be scared. You'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for 90 days. If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.
Trentino: Your Excellency? Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
Firefly: I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. It must be something I ate.
Trentino: Look here Sir, are you trying to...?
Firefly: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: I thought you left.
Chicolini (impersonating Firefly): Oh no. I don't leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes.
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

View Quote I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

View Quote I danced before Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me. In fact, he danced two hundred years before me.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.
Firefly: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Trentino: I'm sorry we lost our tempers. I'm willing to forget if you are.
Firefly: Forget? You ask me to forget? A Firefly never forgets. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again. Nothing doing. I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company.
Mrs. Teasdale: Please wait.
Firefly: Let go of me, you bully!
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh!
Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

View Quote I'm in a hurry! To the House of Representatives! Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel.