Duck Soup quotes

View Quote Firefly: I can't give you wealth, but, uh, we can have a little family of our own.
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh Rufus!
Firefly: All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency. I really don't know what to say.
Firefly: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. [To Trentino] Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Trentino: What?!
Firefly: I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

View Quote Firefly: Now listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia and it never rains but it pours? [He chuckles, thinking he has baffled Chicolini]
Chicolini: That's-a good one. I give you three guesses.
Firefly: Now, let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male or female?
Chicolini: No, I don't think so.
Firefly: Is he dead?
Chicolini: Who?
Firefly: I don't know. I give up.
Chicolini: I give up too. Now, I ask you another one. What is it got big black-a moustache, smokes a big black cigar, and is a big pain in the neck?
Firefly: Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the -
Chicolini: Uh -
Firefly: Does he wear glasses?
Chicolini: Ats-a right. You guess it quick.
Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you.
Chicolini: What job?
Firefly: Secretary of War.
Chicolini: All right, I take it.
Firefly: Sold!

View Quote Minister of Labor: The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
Firefly: Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to twenty minutes. And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.
Minister of Labor: But you appointed one last week!
Firefly: That's the one I'm looking for.
Secretary of War: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?
Firefly: How about taking up the carpet?
Secretary of War: I still insist we must take up the tax.
Firefly: He's right. You've got to take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.
Secretary of War: I give all my time and energy to my duties and what do I get?
Firefly: You get awfully tiresome after a while.
Secretary of War: Sir, you try my patience!
Firefly: I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine sometime.
Secretary of War: That's the last straw. I resign! I wash my hands of the whole business.
Firefly: That's a good idea. You can wash your neck, too.

View Quote These are the laws of my administration
No one's allowed to smoke
Or tell a dirty joke
And whistling is forbidden...
If chewing gum is chewed
The chewer is pursued.
And in the hoosegow hidden...
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be prohibited.
I'll put my foot down, so shall it be.
This is the land of the free.
The last man nearly ruined this place
He didn't know what to do with it
If you think this country's bad off now
Just wait 'til I get through with it
The country's taxes must be fixed
And I know what to do with it
If you think you're paying too much now
Just wait 'til I get through with it...

I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair
I'm strictly on the up and up
So everyone beware
If anyone's caught taking graft
And I don't get my share
We stand 'em up against the wall
And pop goes the weasel.

If any man should come between her husband and his bride
We find out which one she prefers
By letting her decide
If she prefers the other man
The husband steps outside
We stand 'em up against the wall
And pop goes the weasel. These Are The Laws of My Administration, sung just after his inauguration

View Quote Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?
Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.
Trentino: Oh really?
Chicolini: Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
Trentino: Oh! Now, Chicolini, I want a full detailed report of your investigation.
Chicolini: All right, I tell you. Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us. He no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, and we fool him. We no show up. Thursday was a double-header. Nobody show up. Friday it rained all day. There was no ball game, so we stayed home and we listened to it on-a the radio.
Trentino: Then you didn't shadow Firefly?
Chicolini: Oh, sure we shadow Firefly. We shadow him all day.
Trentino: But what day was that?
Chicolini: Shaderday. Hahaha! That's-a some joke, eh, Boss?

View Quote Trentino: Do you mean Worm?
Firefly: No, that wasn't it.
Trentino: I know, Swine!
Firefly: ...No, it was a seven letter word.
Trentino: Oh yes, Upstart?
Firefly: That's it! Upstart.
[Firefly slaps Trentino across the face with his gloves.]
Trentino: This means WAR!
Firefly: Go, and never darken my towels again!

View Quote Firefly: Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.
Chicolini: Eleven.
Firefly: Right.
Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What is it has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in the circus?
Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.
Chicolini: Irr-elephant? Hey, that's the answer! There's a whole lotta irr-elephants in the circus.
Minister/Judge: That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
Chicolini: Thats-a fine. I'll take some.
Minister/Judge: You'll take what?
Chicolini: Eliminate. A nice, cool glass o' lemonade.

View Quote Firefly: And now members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Minister: I wish to discuss the tariff.
Firefly: Sit down. That's new business. No old business? Very well. Then, we'll take up new business.
Minister: Now about that tariff.
Firefly: Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.

View Quote Chicolini (to the lemonade vendor): Mister you no understand. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy, he work-a for me. I want him to find out-a something, but he no find out what I wanna find out. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out if he no find out what I gotta find out?

View Quote Firefly: Where's my Stradivarius?
Officer: Here, sir.
Firefly: I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with old Firefly!
[he pulls a tommygun out of his violin case and opens fire]
Firefly: Look at them run. Now they know they've been in a war.
Bob Roland: Your Excellency!
Firefly: [making the sound of rat-a-tat-tat] They're fleeing like rats.
Bob Roland: But sir, I've got to tell you.
Firefly: Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this.
Bob Roland: Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men!
Firefly: What?
Bob Roland: You're shooting your own men!
Firefly: Here's $5, keep it under your hat.
[holds out his hat to take the $5 back]
Firefly: Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat.

View Quote Firefly: Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
Mrs. Teasdale: A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea that you...
Firefly: I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: The government has been mismanaged. I will lend the money, but only on condition that His Excellency withdraw and place the government in new hands.

View Quote Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda in a half a glass of water.

View Quote Chicolini: I wouldn't go out-a there even if I was-a in one o' those big things-a go up and down!
Firefly: Tanks?
Chicolini: You're welcome.

View Quote Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chicolini: I've done it already.
Firefly: You've done what?
Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.
Firefly: So, you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.