Larry quotes

Sears sucks, Crash. Boy, I once worked there. Sold Lady Kenmores. Nasty, whoa, nasty.

Well if anyone would know you were pulling your hips out early it'd be Annie.

Crash Davis: You don't want a ballplayer; you want a stable pony.
Skip: Nah.
Crash Davis: Well, my triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, **** this ****ing game!
[pause]
Crash Davis: You know what? I quit, all right? I ****ing quit.
[Crash exits the office, stops and swears to himself disgustedly, and sticks his head back through the door]
Crash Davis: Who we play tomorrow?
Skip: Winston-Salem. Batting practice at 11:30.

Ebby: [After he has challenged Crash to a fight] I don't hit no man first.
Crash Davis: All right, then... [throws him a baseball] ...hit me in the chest with that.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'd kill you!
Crash Davis: Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a ****ing boat. [the crowd that has gathered gawks] Come on; right here, right in the chest.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: No way!
Crash Davis: C'mon, Meat! Throw it! You know you're not gonna hit me, cause you've already started to think about it, eh? Thinkin' about how embarassing it would be to miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh? Come on, 'rook, show us that million-dollar arm. 'Cause I got; oh yeah, I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.
[LaLoosh throws the ball and misses Crash by several feet, breaking a window]
Crash Davis: Ball four.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Who the hell are you, man?!
[LaLoosh charges at Crash, who drops him with one punch to the face]
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Good punch...
Crash Davis: I'm Crash Davis; I'm your new catcher, and you just got lesson number one; Don't think. You can only hurt the ball club.

Skip: Ebby?! [Ebby and Millie are half dressed in the locker room. Millie ducks behind a locker.] Jesus. Game starts in four minutes! Why ain't you warm?!
Ebby: I am warm.
Skip: I'm fining you a hundred dollars. Jesus, Ebby, this is your professional debut tonight -- you know how many guys out there'd give blood to be in your shoes an' you're leavin' your fastball in the locker room for some piece of ass!
Millie: Skip, It's me! I'm not some quote piece of ass unquote.
Skip: Oh, Millie, jeez, sorry -- I didn't recognize ya. Don't take it personal but if I catch you in here again you're banned from the ballpark.
Millie: You can't ban me from the ballpark 'cause Daddy donated the scoreboard and if you banned me he might take the scoreboard away.
Skip: Whatta we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all year. [to Ebby] Get your ass out there.
Ebby: Hey Boss, I got a question.
Skip: [exasperated] What?!
Ebby: You think I need a nickname? I think I need a nickname. The great ones have nicknames -- somethin' like Oil Can or Catfish...[to Millie] What was the one you suggested?
Millie: "Pokey"
Ebby: Yeah, what do you think of "Pokey"?
Skip: [stares for a second] Ya got three minutes! [storms out]
Ebby: Got time for another quickie?
Millie: Jesus, you got a game to pitch!
Ebby: But we got three minutes.

Annie: Millie, you've got to stay out of the clubhouse. It'll just get everybody in trouble.
Millie: I got lured.
Annie: You didn't get "lured". Women never get lured. They're too strong and powerful for that. Now say it -- "I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions".
Millie: I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions.
Annie: That's better.
[...]
Annie: Well let's get down to it, honey -- how was he?
Millie: Well, he ****s like he pitches. Sorta all over the place

Joe Reardon: He walked 18.
Larry: New league record!
Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...
[Joe laughs]
Larry: Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

Annie Savoy: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.
Crash Davis: Time out. Why do you get to choose?
Annie Savoy: What?
Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
[Crash laughs]
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?
Annie Savoy: Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!
[Crash gets up to leave]
Annie Savoy: Oh, where are you going?
Crash Davis: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
Annie Savoy: What do you believe in, then?
Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul. The ****, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. [pause] Goodnight.
Annie Savoy: Oh my. Crash...
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Ooh, I've heard of stuff like this.
Annie Savoy: Yeah? Have you heard of Walt Whitman?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: No. Who's he play for?

Bulls player: Jesus, Ebby! You look like shit!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Nuke! Call me "Nuke"! Annie says it's my new nickname.
Larry: You're hooked up with Annie?! That's great, that's great! Every guy I've ever seen hook up with her has had the best year of his career! So, is she, ehhhhhhh, you know... as good as they say?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: What? No, no, man, we didn't ****. No, she kept me up all night reading poetry. It's more tiring than ****ing.

Annie Savoy: Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion. They say the darndest things.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Yeah, you said "Crash"!
Annie Savoy: Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?

Crash: [to himself, in the batter's box] You ain't getting that cheese by me, meat. Look for the fastball up. He's gotta come with the cheese. Relax. Relax. Quick bat. Pop the clubhead. Open the hips. Relax. You're thinking too much. Get outta your ****in' head, Crash.
[Pitcher starts his windup.]
Crash: Get on top of the ball. Quick bat. Don't let him in your kitchen --
[Swings and misses, offstride. Strike one. Crash steps out of the box and picks up dirt. Rubs it on his hands.]
Crash: You stupid ****, Crash. What're you swinging at a breaking ball for? Why's he starting me off with a hammer? **** me. You're okay. Stay back. Stay back, you dumb ****. Wait. Wait.
[Pitcher's next delivery. Crash lines drive down the first base line. Just foul.]
Crash: Throw that shit again, meat. Throw that weak ass shit. Now he's gotta try to slip the cheese by me. One and one. You're on top. Now bring me the gas --
[Pitcher's third delivery, right at Crash's head. Crash hits the dirt]
Crash: This son of a bitch throws hard. [pause] Annie, Annie, Annie -- who is this Annie? [catching himself] Jesus, get outta the box you idiot, where's your head? Get the broad outta your head!
Crash: [holds up a hand to the ump.] Time out.
Ump: Time out!
[Crash steps out of the box and motions to the bat boy for the pine tar rag. The boy brings it over. Crash re-applies it to his bat.]
Bat Boy: Get a hit, Crash.
Crash: Shut up.
[Crash walks back into the box]
Crash: [to himself] Awright, awright. You've seen all his pitches. One and two. Relax. Wait. Quick bat. You can hit this shit -- Shorten up. Bring the gas... Be quick -- be quick -- yeah, yeah...
[Crash swings and misses. Strike three.]

Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic. [starts to walk away]
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: [to himself] What's this guy know about pitching? If he's so good how come he's been in the minors for the last ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?
Crash Davis: [turns back] Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
Nuke: [to himself again]: What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun. An old man. He don't know nothin' about fun.
Crash: [behind the plate again]: All right. Nobody's goin' out there. [Crash calls for a curve ball.]
Nuke:[to himself]: Why's he calling for a curve ball? I want to bring heat. Shake him off. Throw what you want.
[Crash gives Nuke the sign for the pitch, Nuke shakes his head again. Crash walks to the mound.]
Crash: Why are you shaking me off?
Nuke: I want to bring the heater. Announce my presence with authority.
Crash: [indignantly] To announce what?
Nuke: My presence with authority.
Crash: [in disgust] To announce your presence with authority?! This guy's a first ball fastball hitter, looking for the heat.
Nuke: So what? He ain't seen my heat.
Crash: All right, Meat. Give him your heat. [He walks back to his place behind the plate.]
Nuke: Why's he always calling me Meat? I'm the guy driving a Porsche.
Crash: [to the batter at the plate]: Fastball.
[Nuke throws it and the batter hits a home run, hitting the picture of the Durham Bull. The Bull roars and smoke comes from his mouth. The batter stands there, watching.]
Crash: What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift. You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy.[The batter runs around the bases.]
Crash: Give me the ball. [He walks toward the mound.]

[Mechanized bull noises in background, signifying a home run]
Crash Davis: Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he? [laughs]
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the ****ing bull! Guy gets a free steak! [laughs]
Crash Davis: You having fun yet?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.
Crash Davis: Good.
[pause]
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash Davis: He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?
Crash Davis: I told him.

[after Ebby didn't listen to Crash, and the ball became a home run]
Crash: Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You told him didn't you?
Crash Davis: Yup.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?
Annie Savoy: Yes, I do.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You're playing with my mind.
Annie Savoy: I'm trying to play with your body.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!
Annie Savoy: Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, I think you're real cute.
Annie Savoy: Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.

Crash Davis: I never told him to stay out of your bed.
Annie Savoy: You most certainly did.
Crash Davis: I never told him to stay out of your bed.
Annie Savoy: Yes you did.
Crash Davis: I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.
Annie Savoy: Oh fine.
Crash Davis: You know why? Because they don't - -they don't happen very often.
Annie Savoy: Right.
Crash Davis: If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you are! And you should know that!
[long pause]
Crash Davis: Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.
Annie Savoy: I want you.

Crash Davis: It's time to work on your interviews.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?
Crash Davis: You're gonna have to learn your clich?s. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Got to play... it's pretty boring.
Crash Davis: 'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.

Crash Davis: Last chance. Your place or mine?
Annie Savoy: Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.

Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!
Larry: Lollygaggers!
Skip: Lollygaggers. What's our record, boy?
Larry: Eight and sixteen.
Skip: 8-16! How the hell did we ever win eight?
Larry: It's a miracle.
Skip: It's a miracle!

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How come you don't like me?
Crash Davis: Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I got a what?
Crash Davis: You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.
Crash Davis: Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the show, everyone can hit heat.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors?
Crash Davis: Yeah, I've been in the majors.

[Larry jogs out to the mound to break up a players' conference]
Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?
Crash Davis: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?
[Jose nods]
Crash Davis: . We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.
[to the players]
Crash Davis: Is that about right?
[the players nod]
Crash Davis: We're dealing with a lot of shit.
Larry: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.

Annie [instructing Nuke to pitch to Millie, who is wearing catcher's gear]: Now go ahead, put it in there!
Nuke: I don't wanna; I'm gonna hurt the girl!
Annie: That "girl" has handled pitchers with much better records than one-and-seven.
Nuke: 1-6! Gimme the goddamned ball!

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